Breaking the Silence

The blog went silent a few months ago, in part because I started a new job that keeps me very busy, but also in part because I found out I was pregnant again and felt a little terrified of telling the world.  We made it past the point were I miscarried last time in January (9 weeks), we made it through the first trimester screening (13 weeks) and everything looked perfect.  Baby was fine, heartbeat was strong, no red flags on any testing that was done.  We told Haydn about the baby, we shared the news with friends and co-workers.  We believed in April we would be holding our newest family member... this week, just shy of 17 weeks - everything changed.

I sit in silence - these the only 'words' that can escape.  I still can't believe it, at 16.5 weeks, we lost another baby - "late term missed miscarriage" it is called.  Despite my fear, my worry, my worst nightmares - I really believed that everything would be okay.  Total devastation, shattered hopes, utter agonizing pain - that is what surrounds me.  To have made it to this point and loose this baby we desperately wanted, hoped for, waited for, prayed for, believed God for.  It is a crushing blow - one that I don't think I've even fully absorbed yet.

Somehow, God has been preparing my heart to receive this - bringing me to points of being willing to fully entrust this baby to Him and believing that as much as I love and desire good things for my children - God loves and desires good things for me and my family.  So, where's the good?  I struggle with why it had to happen like this, why bring us this far, why are there no answers for my dead babies?  What about the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I prayed specifically for this to NOT happen?  I don't have answers to those questions, right now - maybe I never will.  But God has been reminding me all along that HE is God and I am not.  And who am I to accept blessings from His hand and not also accept burdens and pain? 

Recently, I was reminded about the kind of woman I want to be.  The kind that pours out grace to those in my life because I know all that God has redeemed me from and as a result I live with open hands that receive from Him and pour out in return.  I don't deserve happy endings or easy roadways.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful when they come, but God hasn't cheated me when it doesn't turn out that way.  Why?  Because this isn't Eden and it isn't Heaven.  It is the waiting... and the waiting is full of awful, painful reminders of our humanness.  Humanness that reminds us to thank the Lord that this is not eternity.  Heaven is coming, and when it does there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartbreak.  And when I get there, there will be three perfectly formed babies waiting for their Mommy and together we will worship the Lord -  forever. But until then, I am here - waiting.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was reading the Bible and came across a verse I wrote down, not knowing it would become the epitome of where I sit today.  "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace.  Luke 1:64-65"  (The Message)

I sit here, in the shadow of death, waiting for the merciful light of God to shine and show me the way one step at a time to His peace.  Please pray with us, we so desperately need it right now as we stand on this precipice of total darkness and despair.  It would be so easy to choose despair instead of hope, fear instead of trust, anger instead of grace, and hearts that are hardened instead of open.  Pray for our sweet 4 year old baby.  I don't know how to shield him from my pain as much this time around.  He grieves in his own way and doesn't understand why the baby had to go to heaven - I don't know either.  He sees our sadness and wants to pretend there is a baby so maybe we will feel better.  It breaks my heart all over again. 

I know somehow the sun will rise, dawn will break in my heart again, and joy will come in the morning - but I still feel so lost right now.  All I can do is breathe in grace, breathe out praise, and repeat.

summer!!

It has been wonderful to have a break from school and work!  I almost forgot what it was like to have so much time.  In fact, just last week I decided it was good idea to fill my remaining weeks of vacation with training and caring for two rescue puppies!

What was I thinking?!  They are very cute.... and very energetic!  Bless my in laws hearts for keeping them for us this week when we go visit my family in New Orleans.  Hopefully, they won't develop the eye twitch that I have since we adopted them last week!  Here's a quick update of life since May in pictures (those are my favorite updates to read after all)

I had a lot of fun celebrating my graduation in May.  My sister came down and surprised me and my family and friends had a surprise party for me, it was a lot of fun! 

We went to visit my sister and her family in Pennsylvania during my vacation, it was really fun!  H had a blast!

 H's favorite part was going to the Crayola factory and riding on Thomas the train!  It was pretty awesome and we all had a great time and enjoyed spending time with family!

Pictures of the puppies to come... if they will sit still long enough!  I'm also super excited to report that I got a new job which will start August 1st.  I will be a Licensed Specialist in School Psychology Intern with the school district.  I'm excited to start this new chapter and get another step closer to becoming a licensed psychologist!  It has been a busy summer already, but we are having lots of fun!

meet Bryce

It has been so wonderful being with my sister and bro in law and their precious newborn Bryce. He was born on March 2nd. Here are some pics of the adorable little guy

New Daddy


New Mommy after his first bath


Proud Aunt!







Welcome to the world Bryce, we are SO excited that you're here!

Thankful

This is a little late, but I figure belated gratefulness is better than no gratefulness at all right? We have SO much to be thankful for this year. It is amazing how much has changed over the last year. In the last year we both started new jobs, H got into the daycare we'd been on the waiting list for, bought our first house, got a new (used) car (did I blog about my new minivan?), I started grad school, we started a small group at our church, Jeff was ordained a deacon at that church, our baby turned 2 and we had enough vacation time to visit our friends and family a few times.
We hosted our first Thanksgiving at our house and minus the fried turkey juice in Jeff's eye and me dropping an entire pie all over the floor, it was a pretty good day! I was reading the other day about how God loves to give good gifts to his children and as a parent I totally get that. I am constantly buying H random stuff just because I know it will make him happy and how much more does the Father know how to give good gifts to His children? Not that the year has been without its challenges and hard times, but I'm so grateful for the ways that I feel like so many things we have been praying for and waiting for have come to fruition over this past year. God is good indeed, in spite of our circumstances, in spite of our feelings even, God is so good to us.
Here's what's been going on since I last blogged.


Family picture fail from when Papa Bill visited for H's 2nd birthday. H has the greatest grandparents ever, seriously!



We went to a wedding of some good friends in Waco. It was so fun to get to spend time with so many of our friends and we feel so lucky to have such an incredible group of people who we totally love.


Elyse and I celebrated our 28th birthday on the day before our actual birthday (Thanksgiving) and H totally thought the party was all about him.




It was so wonderful to have Elyse & Stephen down for Thanksgiving. H totally adores his Eese & Seeven. Aaaaaand you might notice that Elyse is carrying her own bundle of joy that will arrive in March! Yay!!!!


Christmas should be a blast this year as H is totally into the Christmas spirit this year. It has been fun to see him get all excited and to talk with him more about why we celebrate Christmas. He has his own nativity set and likes to take turns putting the animals and "Bebe Cheesus" on the roof.

Recovery

Yikes! I've been meaning to post this for 2 weeks now! How long does it take to recover from vacation? Approximately as long as the vacation it seems. I'm not sure how old your kids have to be before traveling/vacation is relaxing again... Three? Five? Please not older than five!

We went to Pennsylvania at the end of July to visit my sister and brother in law and celebrate Stephen's 30th birthday. Here are the highlights!



We went to the Philadelphia zoo! It was H's first trip to the zoo and it was so fun! H really loved the giraffes and even went to a petting zoo to pet the lambs and goats.



H loved riding on the choo-choo with Uncle Stephen



H's favorite part of the outlet mall - by far!


Stephen's 30th birthday party at the Philies game! It was fabulous!


Still young at heart, even if he is 30!


Sarah came up for the festivities! Best friends since 7th grade


The uh-mazing cake... I mean seriously, it was incredible!



We had such a great time! Happy Birthday Stephen!

Vacation!

I have 3 weeks off this summer - I can't believe it is half over already! Sob! It has been such a good time to spend with family and get some projects scratched off my 'to do' list. We spent the first part of our vacation visiting Papa Bill & Jo Jo in New Orleans. We had a great time!



Eating 'Yay Yays' at Cafe Du Mond, MMmmmmm. I apologize for the picture quality, it was about 3 days into the trip before I realized my lens was foggy...oops.



Eating snow cones! Yummy!



Fortunately, H wasn't big enough to cruise this around the block... I'm not ready for that!



We went swimming at least twice a day everyday we were there, it was so nice! H really warmed up to the pool and thought it was hilarious that Molly (notice dog in background) always jumped in the pool with us.



My 16 year old dog, DJ! It is kind of amazing that she is still alive. She seems significantly older every time I see her, I guess that's what happens when one year is actually 7.

When we got home we got busy doing a lot of the things I have wanted to to but haven't been able to do when I am working. We went to the library and checked out a bunch of books. H LOVES to read. I wanted to make him a bag where he could keep all of his library books and also need to make myself a book bag for school next fall. So, I was experimenting with making a tote bag and didn't want to purchase fabric in case I totally botched the pattern so I deconstructed an old pair of capris to make this bag



It turned out better than expected, but I wish I had made it with a liner. I've been busy working on my sewing projects, I even got a jump start on some Christmas projects I want to make for gifts. Still no guarantee they will be finished by Christmas though.

The other big development is that we started looking at houses a few weeks ago and just signed the contract on our first home yesterday! We are really excited and hope that everything works out for us to close on this house at the end of August.



We feel so blessed to have the opportunity to live in a house like this! It is an incredible home in a great location next to really good schools. It is easy to imagine kids growing up in a house like this!

Looking forward to living up my final week of vacation and going to Pennsylvania to visit Elyse & Stephen and celebrate the big 30 with Stephen! I heart you vacation!

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me, in some ways the change seemed immediate, in others it has happened gradually. H and I just returned from spending 5 days visiting Papa Bill & Jo Jo in Louisiana. We had such a good time and got lots of quality bonding time together. It was my first time to travel alone with H and I was so proud of him. He did such a good job and on every flight we were on someone would stop me and tell me what a sweet boy he was or how he did such a good job. Everyone we sat next to H tried to share his snacks with and gave them stickers and toys to play with. People are always telling me how beautiful H is and are so charmed when he just talks and talks to them. I was thinking over this trip about all of the things that I used to inwardly cringe at before becoming a Mommy... things like never getting to eat or drink anything without a child appearing and wanting whatever you had, kids waking up before dawn and running around the house screaming, not being able to complete a task without some kind of interruption, toddlers crawling all over you and being your constant shadow, stinky diapers and projectile vomit, the list could continue, but I think you get the idea. Not that I always gracefully embrace all of these things now, but I certainly don't cringe the way I did before becoming Mommy.

At night in Louisiana H and I would cuddle in bed together and I would sing songs of Truth to him until he fell asleep. I couldn't help thinking about our Heavenly Father and the pride and joy He feels when we want to draw close to Him and let Him sing over us His peace, hope for our futures and His unending love. Being H's Mommy has helped me to grasp just a little bit of what it means to love unconditionally. It has also helped me to embrace life's joys and sorrows knowing that I cannot control the outcomes of either. It has changed my relationship with God in that I have put away some of my 'performance anxiety' trying to earn approval and love. H and I can have a terrible day where everything seems to go wrong and I'm totally frustrated, but I don't love him any less on those days than I do on the days where everything goes according to schedule. How much more perfect is God's love towards His children? It does not waver or fluctuate depending on how much we are trusting Him or the number of good deeds we have accomplished. It just is - now that is a miracle.

A few weeks ago I posted about baby James and his battle with a cancerous brain tumor. I have continued to follow his progress and have not stopped thinking about this family and praying urgently for them. I even dreamt about little James last night. James's tumor has come back full force and yesterday his parents took him home under the care of hospice to spend their final days or weeks showing him just how much they love him. I have cried many tears for this family and have cradled H longer, kissed him more and told God how grateful I am for every single day that I get to be H's mommy. I think part of why this has been so emotional for me is that H is just one year older than little James. It could just as easily be H fighting this battle. Our children are gifts given to us by God, they are not possessions to hoard, lives to control, or even promises of bright futures. They are blessings from the Father and He can use them to pour out his blessing in whatever way He chooses.

So, embrace your children today. Embrace your Mommy or Daddy journey wherever it has led you. Embrace the Heavenly Father who is the giver of all good and perfect gifts. Pray, pray for the Sikes family as they care for little James. Pray for all of the Mommies and Daddies who are struggling to care for their children, struggling to conceive children, and those fighting alongside their sick children. And let us give thanks to God.

He is Risen!

We had an eventful Resurrection weekend! I wasn't sure we were going to make it through it at first! I started coming down with a cold on Thursday. Thursday night Papa Bill & JoJo came down to stay with us for the weekend. Sometime in the middle of the night Thursday Jeff started throwing up and had a fever. The next day he was pretty much toast. Friday night I started feeling bad and thought I had what Jeff had and his fever went way up again. By Saturday we were mostly better except my cold had become a sinus infection. Fortunately we didn't seem to infect our guests and we still managed to have some enjoyable quality time together!


Here we are dying eggs


H liked to throw the egg into the dye



H kind of lost interest in the egg hunt after about 6 eggs, but he did a good job finding them!






There's chocolate in this one!




Easter Stickers!


Ready for Church



Thanks for coming to visit Papa Bill & JoJo! We had so much fun with you!!

Lovely

H is very attached to his lovely. It started somewhere around 3 months. My mom gave him a little lamb that was perfect for babies because it didn't have eyes or a nose that could come loose because they were stitched in. That's how H got "lamby".
Lamby goes to bed with him every night and comes out of the crib with him every morning. He goes to daycare about 3 days a week and sometimes eats lunch and dinner with him. This weekend his affection went to a whole new level when he insisted on BATHING with lamby! We might own 3 lambys, just in case.


This was the first picture I could find of him with lamby. That's him over on the left.


For his first Halloween we even picked a lamb costume because of how much he loved his lamby.


Here is H snuggling with his lamby & Aunt Elyse on his birthday.


One day he found 2 lambys. It didn't seem to phase him, he will take any lamby.


H and lamby going down the slide together


H and lamby eating dinner together.

And bath time...





We love you lamby.