It has been a while - there is much to say, not all of which I'm ready to say here. I did want to take a few minutes though and talk about goodness. It has been a difficult two years, two years ago we began the journey to grow our family and never could have foreseen the grief and trauma we would experience in going through multiple miscarriages. This is not the story I would have written for my family - but I can say that it is still a love story, still a tale of passion, hope and goodness.
I remember very clearly feeling like I would never be able to look at these losses and call it "good", never be able to accept that this lot was God's goodness towards me. Just recently I've found myself realizing that all along I've been wading through the goodness - whether it was pain that ripped me open, despair that felt crushing, hope that began to bloom, or joy that came in the morning - it was all goodness.
Right now, life is good. But part of what makes it so good is that I can experience it as good, because I have walked down roads that did not feel good. I think a massive blessing that has come from all the grief is that my heart has been turned towards gratefulness and recognizing the million tiny mercies that sustain us each day. So, today I am grateful and life is good. It isn't the goodness of the moment right now that motivates my gratefulness. Even if darkness were to surround me once again, I know that there would still be goodness.
But, right now, while there is light and life feels good - I am grateful, I rejoice, I enjoy and drink deep the blessings of God. And tomorrow - if the darkness returns - I will do the same because God's goodness will not be removed.
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is in the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds." Jeremiah 17: 7-10
I feel like I have lived this in a way that has unfolded my heart to become like the tree planted by the water. Goodness doesn't always feel good, but the heart is deceitful and feelings can lead us to grow cold towards the difficult Goodness of God. I'm grateful that in my pain, in my 'sickness' God guided my roots towards the water. I didn't make things 'good' - it has been the glorious and merciful work of God through difficult times. So, even when the heat comes, when the drought lingers, by His grace I will not be anxious or fearful because I know that there will still be fruit. That is Goodness.