Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Breaking the Silence

The blog went silent a few months ago, in part because I started a new job that keeps me very busy, but also in part because I found out I was pregnant again and felt a little terrified of telling the world.  We made it past the point were I miscarried last time in January (9 weeks), we made it through the first trimester screening (13 weeks) and everything looked perfect.  Baby was fine, heartbeat was strong, no red flags on any testing that was done.  We told Haydn about the baby, we shared the news with friends and co-workers.  We believed in April we would be holding our newest family member... this week, just shy of 17 weeks - everything changed.

I sit in silence - these the only 'words' that can escape.  I still can't believe it, at 16.5 weeks, we lost another baby - "late term missed miscarriage" it is called.  Despite my fear, my worry, my worst nightmares - I really believed that everything would be okay.  Total devastation, shattered hopes, utter agonizing pain - that is what surrounds me.  To have made it to this point and loose this baby we desperately wanted, hoped for, waited for, prayed for, believed God for.  It is a crushing blow - one that I don't think I've even fully absorbed yet.

Somehow, God has been preparing my heart to receive this - bringing me to points of being willing to fully entrust this baby to Him and believing that as much as I love and desire good things for my children - God loves and desires good things for me and my family.  So, where's the good?  I struggle with why it had to happen like this, why bring us this far, why are there no answers for my dead babies?  What about the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I prayed specifically for this to NOT happen?  I don't have answers to those questions, right now - maybe I never will.  But God has been reminding me all along that HE is God and I am not.  And who am I to accept blessings from His hand and not also accept burdens and pain? 

Recently, I was reminded about the kind of woman I want to be.  The kind that pours out grace to those in my life because I know all that God has redeemed me from and as a result I live with open hands that receive from Him and pour out in return.  I don't deserve happy endings or easy roadways.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful when they come, but God hasn't cheated me when it doesn't turn out that way.  Why?  Because this isn't Eden and it isn't Heaven.  It is the waiting... and the waiting is full of awful, painful reminders of our humanness.  Humanness that reminds us to thank the Lord that this is not eternity.  Heaven is coming, and when it does there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartbreak.  And when I get there, there will be three perfectly formed babies waiting for their Mommy and together we will worship the Lord -  forever. But until then, I am here - waiting.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was reading the Bible and came across a verse I wrote down, not knowing it would become the epitome of where I sit today.  "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace.  Luke 1:64-65"  (The Message)

I sit here, in the shadow of death, waiting for the merciful light of God to shine and show me the way one step at a time to His peace.  Please pray with us, we so desperately need it right now as we stand on this precipice of total darkness and despair.  It would be so easy to choose despair instead of hope, fear instead of trust, anger instead of grace, and hearts that are hardened instead of open.  Pray for our sweet 4 year old baby.  I don't know how to shield him from my pain as much this time around.  He grieves in his own way and doesn't understand why the baby had to go to heaven - I don't know either.  He sees our sadness and wants to pretend there is a baby so maybe we will feel better.  It breaks my heart all over again. 

I know somehow the sun will rise, dawn will break in my heart again, and joy will come in the morning - but I still feel so lost right now.  All I can do is breathe in grace, breathe out praise, and repeat.


  1. Erin, I had no clue. Thank you so much for sharing, for being bold enough to share. I can't imagine the pain. KNOW that we are praying for you all!!! Much love & prayers!

  2. Your words are ministering to me, dear friend. The Lord is so so close to the brokenhearted, and what a joyous day that heavenly reunion will be. Until then, know that you are being covered in prayer. We love you.

  3. Oh Erin, I am so sorry. You and your family are in our prayers. You are right. This is our darkness and we must fight our way to the light through HIS grace. Hugs and Prayers, Brooke Rosalez (White)

  4. I had a baby in March so I understand the love of motherhood but I haven't lost a child. Thank you for sharing your experience! It helps me understand my friends and family who have lost a child. Tears and prayers for you and your family!

  5. Oh, Erin, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost a baby at 11 weeks before I had Katie. I am so thankful to know that you are such a strong Christian and can lean on your faith during this difficult time. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Eleanor Day

  6. Erin- That was so wonderfully written- thanks for your vulnerability and perspective. I am with you in the waiting...holding to God's goodness even in the midst of loss and confusion. I am so sorry that this is the road you are on in this season. Praying you feel the tangible peace of God carry you. I love you and believing with you that we will both see the goodness of God in the land of the living... Psalm 27

  7. Erin:

    Words can not express the sorrow we feel for your loss!!! You and Jeff are an incredible couple and mean so much to so many of us!! I send you my love, and prayers!!! I have this prayer taped to my desk...I'm sure you have seen it and I read it everyday!

    Happy moments, PRAISE God
    Difficult moments, SEEK God
    Quiet moments, WORSHIP God
    Painful moments, TRUST God
    Every moment, THANK God.

    This reminds me of YOU!!!!


  8. Erin, This breaks my heart to hear. I know that Jesus is weeping with you and catching every one of your tears. NONE of this is from Him, when the Lord brings life, the enemy does everything to steal, kill and destroy. Our God is a God of justice, and He will redeem this situation. I know this doesn't take away any of your pain, but hope you can rest in the fact that the Lord only wants and has good things for you, nothing less and nothing that involves heartache. He heals the brokenhearted. Praying for you!

  9. This absolutely breaks my heart to hear. The only thing I know for sure is how you have honored your heavenly father and brought glory to His name even through such a tremendous loss. What a BEAUTIFUL scripture you shared - waiting alongside you for the day this sinful world will all be redeemed. You WILL see your babies again.

  10. Erin, Your post is so beautifully written and I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We are lifting your family up in prayer during this tough time!!