The blog went silent a few months ago, in part because I started a new job that keeps me very busy, but also in part because I found out I was pregnant again and felt a little terrified of telling the world. We made it past the point were I miscarried last time in January (9 weeks), we made it through the first trimester screening (13 weeks) and everything looked perfect. Baby was fine, heartbeat was strong, no red flags on any testing that was done. We told Haydn about the baby, we shared the news with friends and co-workers. We believed in April we would be holding our newest family member... this week, just shy of 17 weeks - everything changed.
I sit in silence - these the only 'words' that can escape. I still can't believe it, at 16.5 weeks, we lost another baby - "late term missed miscarriage" it is called. Despite my fear, my worry, my worst nightmares - I really believed that everything would be okay. Total devastation, shattered hopes, utter agonizing pain - that is what surrounds me. To have made it to this point and loose this baby we desperately wanted, hoped for, waited for, prayed for, believed God for. It is a crushing blow - one that I don't think I've even fully absorbed yet.
Somehow, God has been preparing my heart to receive this - bringing me to points of being willing to fully entrust this baby to Him and believing that as much as I love and desire good things for my children - God loves and desires good things for me and my family. So, where's the good? I struggle with why it had to happen like this, why bring us this far, why are there no answers for my dead babies? What about the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I prayed specifically for this to NOT happen? I don't have answers to those questions, right now - maybe I never will. But God has been reminding me all along that HE is God and I am not. And who am I to accept blessings from His hand and not also accept burdens and pain?
Recently, I was reminded about the kind of woman I want to be. The kind that pours out grace to those in my life because I know all that God has redeemed me from and as a result I live with open hands that receive from Him and pour out in return. I don't deserve happy endings or easy roadways. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful when they come, but God hasn't cheated me when it doesn't turn out that way. Why? Because this isn't Eden and it isn't Heaven. It is the waiting... and the waiting is full of awful, painful reminders of our humanness. Humanness that reminds us to thank the Lord that this is not eternity. Heaven is coming, and when it does there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartbreak. And when I get there, there will be three perfectly formed babies waiting for their Mommy and together we will worship the Lord - forever. But until then, I am here - waiting.
When I first found out I was pregnant I was reading the Bible and came across a verse I wrote down, not knowing it would become the epitome of where I sit today. "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace. Luke 1:64-65" (The Message)
I sit here, in the shadow of death, waiting for the merciful light of God to shine and show me the way one step at a time to His peace. Please pray with us, we so desperately need it right now as we stand on this precipice of total darkness and despair. It would be so easy to choose despair instead of hope, fear instead of trust, anger instead of grace, and hearts that are hardened instead of open. Pray for our sweet 4 year old baby. I don't know how to shield him from my pain as much this time around. He grieves in his own way and doesn't understand why the baby had to go to heaven - I don't know either. He sees our sadness and wants to pretend there is a baby so maybe we will feel better. It breaks my heart all over again.
I know somehow the sun will rise, dawn will break in my heart again, and joy will come in the morning - but I still feel so lost right now. All I can do is breathe in grace, breathe out praise, and repeat.