Plan B

As Levi's 2nd birthday approaches, and we've been processing the difficult reality that our sweet foster son is facing some delays - It has been a lot.  A dear friend reminded me recently that when your Plan A gets shattered and you are living your Plan B or even your Plan D, every new setback can be weighty with past disappointment that lurks close to the surface.

I'm going to be honest - because I think honesty is where healing lives and because I'm just a really bad faker... but when you have lived through multiple tragedies and worst case scenarios playing out despite your desperate pleas for God to heal and spare you from something awful, it is hard to face something uncertain and believe that everything will be okay because I ask God to make it so.  I don't mean to imply that I don't believe in prayer or the healing power of God, because I know that there will be enough grace to keep going, but that is really the end of my certainty about the future.

It has been 2 years since Levi was stillborn without any explanation or defect.  The sense of loss still feels fresh and deep while no longer gaping open.  It is like a slow leak that seeps out of you always.  I am still being filled and still experiencing life and joy, but there is part of my heart that isn't with me anymore.  It is the torment of separation that never really goes away - its edges get duller, but I still ache to be with my babies.

October 6th - there is no 'happy birthday' I can utter on this day that was so dark.  But there is peace in knowing that the torment is mine (and shared by those who love me) and never Levi's.  He didn't have to face loss, pain, or disappointment of this life.  He has only known perfection and unity with the Father; and who better to truly understand this gaping hole that loss can leave?
"He was despised and forsaken of men.  A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... surely our griefs He Himself bore and our sorrows He carried." Isaiah 53:3-4.

This was not my plan A, and I reject the idea that this was all God's Plan A for me - but that's another conversation.  I am in the middle of my Plan B and sometimes it is a struggle to find joy here, but it is never a struggle to find Jesus here.  That's the thing about not getting to live out your Plan A.  It becomes apparent that the person you have become as a result of the abrupt changes to your plans is an entirely different person than you would have been if everything had gone according to plan.  I don't mean to imply that I am unhappy with my life - I am living a really beautiful life right now and there are so many things to be grateful for and I am more blessed than I deserve.

It is hard for me to pray that God will make everything according to my plans, so I try to be honest with Him about my heart and ask Him to help me have open hands to receive whatever it is He will give me- even when it isn't what I wanted.  I would love for things to be 'easy' for baby and for him to not have to struggle and hurt and have life long issues that will be complicated, but I also know that there are so many 'atypical' children who get to teach the rest of us about love and life in ways we may not see without their unique voice and perspective.

I know a lot of us are living our our Plan B's and that can sting sometimes.  My plan B has given me the privilege of seeing with my own eyes how God can make beautiful things out of dust and how He never stops pursuing us even if our pain takes us to the deepest depths - He doesn't shy away from pain or anger.  Letting go of the plans I had is sometimes still a struggle, but when I can focus on what I have right now - I see full hands, full hearts, and a Good Father who is not distant, but very near us in defeat and near us in triumph.  Plan B isn't just okay.... it is good, there is still abundance and blessing here beyond what I imagined.