Choices

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Somewhere along the way, approximately four years ago when the journey to grow our family began, this blog quit being a place where I would post family pictures, stories and updates and began serving as a window into the pain that was ripping apart my soul.  I still rarely post about all the good things that are happening and tend to come here mostly to unload the burden of my heart.  I have learned in my suffering, that even if no one else hears it, my pain needs a voice – it needs to flow forth from my heart onto a page. 

This time around I can’t seem to find my voice, and even when I do find it, I can’t authentically speak the truth that my heart knows.  I am grateful for the prayer warriors that I know continue to speak truth over my life right now – sometimes we all need a voice when we cannot trust our own.  Having walked this road before, I expected that I would have the road map; I would know where we are going and have the tools to get there.  I don’t.  It is strange to go back and read my words about grief and what it felt like at that time.  Many of the same feelings are there and it does bring me some comfort to remember that I can do hard things and that God will ALWAYS meet me there, no matter how dark or how painful, darkness and light are the same to Him (Psalm 139:12).  This loss was startling in so many ways.  I will never understand how a strong heartbeat turns into no heartbeat in a matter of hours.  Even as initial pathology reports return indicating nothing abnormal - there is nothing normal about losing three babies in less than four years.  I want so badly to be able to point to something and say "It is this, this is what went wrong."  Because if I can say that then maybe there is a way to fix this, some measure of preventative strategy to be taken.  Even though there are more tests to be done, more doctors to see - I don't expect that we will find any medical explanation for why we are facing this reality.

I am realizing again that part of me has believed the lie that is so prominent in our culture.  We can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.  If we work hard enough, give enough, sacrifice enough, desire it enough, if we are good enough - we will earn it, we can do it.  The truth doesn't look like that however; the truth is that we can do all the right things, make the right choices, work our hardest, and we can still fail to achieve the outcome we so deeply desire.  As a 'fixer' by nature, that is maybe one of the hardest things for me to surrender - I cannot earn my way out of this or work hard enough to prevent this kind of pain from happening.  It seems that at this juncture, I am left with few choices.  I can't control the future of my family, but I sense that these next steps that I am taking are on holy ground and will shape the future of my family.  I can choose to surrender to the bitterness of my soul, to let the injustice and agony define who I will become.  I can choose to put on a brave face and stuff the pain away while I recite scripture about how God is good to us all the time.  But neither of those responses honor the life or death of my Levi.  That means the only choice I am left with is to choose to face the pain as it comes, to not run away, but feel its full intensity and stay present - to choose love.  The song that keeps resounding in my heart in these moments is the hymn, 'O love that will not let me go.'

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

This is the love that can heal and can fill the giant emptiness that I feel inside my soul.  Somehow there is always enough, enough grace, enough strength, enough love, enough comfort.  Levi deserves the best of me, all of my earthly and heavenly babies do.  So I will keep showing up, I will keep bringing my pain and emptiness, and uttering the only words I can say right now, "Jesus, help."  I don't want this story and everything in me wants to run away from here, but that is not love.  Love holds on, it wrestles, it turns black and blue and breaks apart sometimes.   But love always wins, it always beats the darkness, always overcomes the enemy, always fulfills its purpose - love never fails.  I can choose today, as many times as needed, to believe there is hope and to love greater than my fear.   To say like Job, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."  Job 13:15

Processing Pain

I have always been an external processor.  I need things to come out of my heart and my mind in order to think and feel deeply about them.  This past week has been the absolute worst of my life.  It seems impossible and like I must be watching these events unfold in someone else's life - this can't possibly be my story.  But it is.  We will lay our sweet Levi to rest today and to think about it fills me with anguish that is indescribable.  I have so many questions, ones that I know will likely remain unanswered until I am united with my babies and our Creator - I have a feeling that the answers won't matter so much at that point.

I have been spending a lot of time in the Psalms and in Job because God's word promises that it will not return void but will accomplish the purpose for which He sent it and I need something to be successful right now (Isaiah 55:11).  Psalm 56 says "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can mere man do to me? (vs 3-4).  It goes on to say "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book...This I know, that God is for me." (Psalm 56: 8-9).  When I think about that, I think that my bottle must be overflowing, there can't possibly be room for more tears.  I want it to be such that when your bottle has collected all the tears it can hold, you are safe - you can no longer experience great tragedy.  But, I look at the world - at the suffering of those in Haiti, the refugee crisis, and the loss of those close to me and I know that this isn't the case.  Learning to live with sorrow and with loss is part of our human experience because we are fallen and this is not Heaven.

I still feel somewhat frozen in this place.  I am aware that there is a long road ahead that leads to healing; it is full of valleys, some deep, dark caves, impossible hills, and when I look at this road it seems like a journey that I could never survive.  I can't stay here though, I know I must start walking and it will hurt like hell... there are no shortcuts to healing.  As I read the book of Job, a man well acquainted with suffering I am struck by his responses.  He is thought of as a holy man who did not sin and refused to curse God, even when God allowed Satan to afflict him.  "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?  In all of this Job did not sin with his lips.  Job 2:10"  When Job's friends came to visit him after his children had been killed and after he was stricken with illness, they did not recognize him.  I wonder even without the physical ailments if he would be recognizable.  I feel so unlike myself right now, a little hard to recognize, because that is what great pain does to you.  Job did not sin and did not curse God, yet he carried tremendous pain that altered him to his core.  I don't know what it looks like to worship in the midst of great pain.  I feel like it should look like some kind of peaceful surrender and acceptance, but that is certainly not the state of my heart.  Maybe my act of worship is just to show up, and keep showing up, being present with God in the midst of pain, questions, anger, confusion. 

Job certainly wasn't afraid to express his pain.  "For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.  I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes. Job 3:25-26"  "Therefore, I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.  Job 7:11"  I have learned through my journey of suffering that people will do just about anything to avoid suffering and to watch someone else suffer is painful.  We want it to end, we want to make it better, we want everything to be okay.  But, the truth is - it isn't okay and it will never be okay.  If we are going to experience healing, we have to stop trying to escape pain and we have to be present by being true to the moment and experiencing our feelings as they come and not trying to escape.  For me, that means a battle to stay present, to be wounded, but to stay present with the pain and trust that Jesus will meet me there.  He is well acquainted with suffering and grief.  Our Father knows what it is like to lose a child.  So, I will be brave today and I am so grateful for those friends and family members who are choosing to be brave with me - to sit in the darkness with me, to be present in the pain and not try to make it better.  Thank you all for your prayers and expressions of love for our family, we have felt Jesus carry us and it means so much that Levi's life and his death - they carry an eternal significance.   

Verse 5

My first verse for March is one that I have loved for a long time.  It is from the book of 1 Samuel.  I love the story of Samuel.  From the once baren Hannah pleading to the Lord for a child, to dedicating that child to the Lord as she promised - Samuel was born out of a faithful holding onto the Lord and he continued to live his life in that same steadfast manner until his death.  Before he died, Samuel addressed the people and summed up his message with these words:

"Only fear the Lord and serve Him faithfully with all your heart.  For consider what great things he has done for you."  1 Samuel 12:24 (English Standard Version)

I love that He points out that our only fear should be the Lord - there are many earthly things that can cause us to be fearful, but the only thing worth fearing in the end is the Lord - not man.  He also makes it clear that a life well spent will be spent serving the Lord faithfully, not out of duty or obligation, but with your whole heart.  To sum all of it up, Samuel points to gratitude - an attitude of remembering the greatness of God and all He has done in our lives.  This one verse sums up so many truths that I want to write deeply on my heart.

Verse 3 and 4

Well, that didn't take long to get behind... such is life, I guess!  I will be posting the two verses I selected for February - even if it is a litle late.

The first passage is from James.  I was having a particularly frustrating day in parenting, when I realized that I hadn't been praying (duh!) and was directed to the Word.  As I was praying and reading the book of James, not only did I feel peace that had been eluding me, but I also felt assurance that these trials of parenting are producing for me a harvest of righteousness that I have the opportunity to impart to my children.  Ironically, or maybe that is just how God intended it...my complete exhaustion and inability to 'fix it', leads me to the the lap of Jesus.  There I find the strength I need and the comfort I need to in turn give to my children the patience and grace that they need.

From the English Standard Version:

" Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.  For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires."  James 1:19-20

I pray that this is true of me not only in parenting, but in all of my relationships.  I want to be the one who hears others, which requires patience and intent to listen.  I also want to have a temper that in line with the spirit.  I don't want to yell, speak harshly, or be rude to others simply because I am not in a good mood or things did not go my way - those behaviors do not produce the 'righteousness that God requires.'

The second verse I selected is from Psalm 91.  I taught a lesson about God's protection from this passage to my girls in Sunday School and I loved the imagery from one of the verses.

" He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings.  His faithful promises are your armor and protection."  Psalm 91:4 New Living Translation (NLT)


I love this picture of God covering me with his mighty wings as I arm myself with promises of his faithfulness.  That is truly God's protection.  It is not the absence of danger or risk, it is not the removal of pain or suffering, it is not the promise that those things will not come... it is the promise, the assurance, that when it does come - He will be there and even in the midst of it, His feathers will cover me and his faithfulness will remain.  So often we focus our prayers on the prevention of pain or illness or the alleviation of existing pain or suffering, when God's protection does not exempt us from these realities, but offers us hope and peace in the midst of them.  It is the assurance that He will be enough.

Verse 2

Time for Verse 2 of the scripture memory challenge.  The goal is to memorize two verses per month so at the end of 2015 we will have memorized 24 verses.  I came across this verse during some reading last week and knew it was one I needed written on my heart.

" O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly, my soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water."  Psalm 63:1 - English Standard Version

This verse is vital to true soul satisfaction.  I have found/created 'God substitutes' at various points in my life, not intentionally, just through exaulting and relying on my husband, friends, or family to make me happy, to understand me, to support me.  None of those things are inherently bad, but when I quit looking to God to meet my needs and instead placed that burden on other people, I found that ultimately, each one left me disappointed, hurt and frustrated. Why?  Because they could never love me enough, understand me enough, encourage/support me enough - I always felt some twinge of human disappointment.

Was this their failure or lack of caring?  No, it is a reflection of the deep desire in our souls, created by the Creator, to be fully known and fully loved... and yet, we are surrounded by imperfect beings that are not capable of that kind of perfection.  I am not capable of perfect love - I can be short tempered, forgetful, self-centered, busy.  But, there is One who loves perfectly, who will never disappoint, never turn away, who knows and understands us more fundamentally than we know ourselves; that is our Heavenly Father and none was meant to ever replace Him.

So, this is my reminder to press into the one who satisfies fully and not place that burden on other relationships that were not intended to fill me up.  This is where we find fulfillment and lasting satisfaction.  It also frees us up to appreciate and enjoy our human relationships with friends and family without unrealistic expectations that they will meet our every need and make us happy all the time, because that is just not reality.  When I'm feeling disatisfied, disconnected, or easily frustrated with others, that is usually my cue that I'm looking in the wrong places and I need to quit trying to find water in the desert and instead go to the spring.

What verse is on your heart?  Share your memory verse in the comments below!

Verse 1

This year I am participating in Beth Moore's Scripture Memory Challenge and inviting my favorite 7th and 8th graders to join me in memorizing two scripture passage each month.  I am going to post on here at the beginning and middle of each month the verses I will be memorizing and why.  Those joining me in the challenge are welcome to leave a comment sharing the verse you will be memorizing as well.  You can choose the same verse or a different verse that is meaningful to you.  Sharing with each other is not only a way to help hold each other accountable, but is also encouraging to see what Scripture is meaningful to our Sisters in Christ.

So, verse 1.  It is actually 2 verses, but you can choose to just do the first one if you want to use this passage as well.  I am using the English Standard Version, but feel free to use whatever version you have or like best.

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10)  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  2 Corinthians 12:9-10.

I am also keeping a small journal where I m writing my verses down.  I think something about physically writing out the scripture passages helps with the memorization.  So, I encourage you girls to write down your verses and keep your journal with you to help with memorizing.  FYI, I will be bringing journals to church next Sunday for each of you =)

So, why did I choose this passage?  Well, I frequently need to be reminded that it is not my own ability or awesomeness that makes anything good happen, it is by the grace of God.  Even more, no matter what I am facing, His grace is enough.... especially when I feel like I am at the end of myself and I can't do anything else... great!  That is exactly where He will meet me if I will turn to Him, embrace my own weakness, and say 'Help!'  I chose to include verse 10, because it talks specifically about embracing weakness and hardship - things our human nature rejects.  I know from experience though that when facing hardship and calamity, fighting it makes it worse, embracing and allowing brokenness is where growth begins.  Praying for my girls, that you will join me on this journey and we will get the privilege of encouraging one another and growing together!  So, what verse are you choosing?  Let me know in the comments!

New Year

Wow... it has been a while.  2014 was a significant year in our household.  The year began in the wake of significant heartbreak following the loss of our sweet Ethan.  That loss really opened up something in my heart that freed me to quit trying to hold it together or work hard enough to earn God's favor.  It was simultaneously painfully difficult and wonderfully freeing to come to a point of real brokenness, allow myself to feel hurt, anger, disappointment, and deep grief. 

In His mercy, God did not leave me there.  He showed himself to be ever-present and no matter how I came to Him - angry, defeated, hopeless - He did not withdraw His hand and continued pour out kindness.  In the Spring, shortly before Jeff's birthday, we found out that we were pregnant again.  I remember feeling immediately terrified and not very joyful.  Through each doctor's appointment and ultrasound, God carried me, despite the terror and the uncertainty - He was faithful.  I was consistently reminded that no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was - I would be okay.  That is a benefit to facing your worst fears and coming out on the other side ... there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore. 

On November, 18, 2014 at 11:58 AM after just a few hours of labor, we welcomed our daughter, Lydia Grace Priour to the world.  She is perfect.  She has a ton of hair, a beautiful smile, a sweet and easy going nature.  She is all we prayed for and hoped could be ours. 

Our first meeting

While this is certainly what we prayed for and we were overjoyed to bring our daughter home, it doesn't re-write our story.  There is a Lydia because there is not an Ethan, there was an Ethan because there was not a baby conceived before him.  There has been significant loss that will always be a part of our family.  I couldn't have chosen this path and having a healthy baby right now does not erase the pain of the years prior.  However, having been through that pain I learned things about myself and my family that I can't imagine we would have learned otherwise.  I am certain now that God will be enough ... no matter what.  When Lydia won't go to sleep, when she screams at me and I don't know why, when being Mommy is hard, it is much easier to choose gratefulness and patience.  I am grateful for our family, and I am also grateful for the journey to this point - even the painful, terrible parts.  It has shaped each of us - Jeff, Haydn, myself.  I don't pretend to understand why for some the journey to grow a family is difficult and painful and for others it is seemingly effortless, but I do know that no matter what your story is - God wants to use it, if you will let Him.  I am excited about 2015 and the new adventures God has in store for us.  One day at a time, that is all we have been given and what is entrusted to us... one day.  Live it fully, whether rejoicing, grieving, or waiting, God has a purpose for this day.