Friday, January 25, 2013
Just wanted to thank you guys for your comments, text messages, phone calls, facebook messages and e-mails communicating your care and support. We have really appreciated your care for our family during this time. We are doing okay - some days are better than others, but it has been really amazing to see and feel the care and love of Jesus for me and my family. I was praying the other night and happened to look back at a journal entry from a few months ago (October) after we had started trying to get pregnant. This is what I wrote: Lord, I just feel the need to bring to you my fear and be with you. Trying to get pregnant has already been and emotional journey and as much as I want to trust you, believe the best and not live in fear... I am finding that such a hard place to be right now. I just want to be real and tell you that I am scared that I won't be able to get pregnant. And I'm scared that if I do, I will have a miscarriage. I don't want to live in fear. Please help me to trust you. I know that fear is not from you and that you are for me and not against me. I know that you are working all things together for my good. Jesus, you are victorious over fear and doubt. Get behind me Satan! Help me to choose trust. I know these things are true about you Lord, even if healing doesn't come, even if my worst fear comes true, I want to be strong and fight to live in the truth instead of being consumed by lies. So, I will put my hope, my trust, my joy, my pain, and my future in your hands. I know I cannot change what will come - certainly not by worrying about it. Jesus, I ask for your peace to be my constant companion over the coming weeks. I love you and trust you Jesus. " The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel, in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16: 5-11 It was really good for me to go back and read that and remember the work of the Lord. I was really struggling with fear last fall when we started trying to get pregnant, but once I found out we were pregnant I really wasn't afraid anymore. It helps me to remember that as much as it scares me right now to think about future pregnancies, God has already given me the grace to not be afraid - and I know if I let him, He can do it again. I still have hope - I still have joy and I still believe that God is good, no matter what. To have my worst fears realized and come out on the other side experiencing the fullness of blessing, peace, and joy that comes from God's hand - is nothing short of the grace of God. This was the word of the Lord to me the other night: " O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble... The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high;... and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge." Isaiah 33:2,5.