the truth

Post Disclaimer... This is our real life, and my pain is pretty fresh. I process things deeply through writing about them and I assume that the only people who actually still read this thing are the real thing - those people who love and care about us. So, this is the truth. I found out today, just 3 days shy of 10 weeks, that our baby has no heartbeat. I really had no idea that anything was wrong and was completely blindsided by this. We have been wanting another baby for quite a while and it took us a few months to conceive. In fact, the same month I went to the doctor to get tests run to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant was the same month we found out we were pregnant. I have been having flashbacks since last night when the bleeding started to Iraq and miscarrying there only to find out that we still had a healthy baby, but had lost his twin. This time there is no miracle, I am scheduled for surgery tomorrow to remove the baby. It is over. We are devastated, even though I struggled with fear when we found out we were pregnant, I truly believed that everything would be okay - it isn't. I can't help being reminded of those days in Iraq, grieving and coping with our loss. It feels different this time, I guess in part because we have been here before, and partly because I know the ending will not be the same. Shortly after we found out we were pregnant, I remember reading the story of Hannah and Samuel and being struck again by how difficult that must have been for Hannah to trust the Lord enough to be obedient with His gift to her and take Samuel back to the temple to be dedicated to the Lord, forever. There would be no bedtime stories, no morning cuddles, no boo boo kisses or anything else this Mom had dreamed about - it was over. In 1 Samuel chapter 2, it says: Hannah prayed, “My heart rejoices in the Lord; my horn is exalted high because of the Lord. I loudly denounce my enemies, for I am happy that you delivered me. 2 No one is holy like the Lord! There is no one other than you! There is no rock like our God!... 6The Lord both kills and gives life; he brings down to the grave and raises up. 7 The Lord impoverishes and makes wealthy; he humbles and he exalts. 8 He lifts the weak from the dust; he raises the poor from the ash heap to seat them with princes and to bestow on them an honored position. The foundations of the earth belong to the Lord, and he has placed the world on them. 9 He watches over his holy ones, but the wicked are made speechless in the darkness, for it is not by one’s own strength that one prevails." I prayed that night that God would give me a heart like Hannah, a heart that rests in the holiness of the Lord and can rejoice because of it - no matter what. Even today, I am reminded of God's great love for me, for my family, and for my future. There is no good reason 'why?'. Sometimes life is just tragic, but if we will look to the throne, we will find that God is still there speaking over us with love and blessing. I've never been a good secret keeper, and I'm especially bad at pretending things are okay when they aren't, so, this is the truth, where we are right now and why the blog has been silent for a while. We would appreciate your prayers as we grieve this loss and figure out how to move forward. We haven't told Haydn yet about the baby, but he's pretty smart and has been asking me for a while "Mommy, do you feel better?" - pray for us to love him well in our grief. I ask that you would pray for me specifically that the Lord would guard my heart to hold on to hope and joy. I'm not sure I'm with Hannah yet, able to say my heart rejoices or know my hope rests only in the Lord - but I really want to be. I guess if having children has taught me anything it is that I am not in control. As Hannah said, "It is not by one's own strength that one prevails." There is no amount of worry, striving, or strength that will allow me to control this. Being a Mom is a risk, you will love without being able to protect, you will worry without being able to control - it is risky. But it is also so amazingly, wonderful and I am so grateful for the opportunity to love this baby - even in death. This is risky business, being real, being vulnerable, being out of control and being so in love... but, 'the foundations of the earth belong to the Lord and he watches over his holy ones.'