Nothing is Wasted

Jason Gray - Nothing Is Wasted (Official Lyric Video) from jason-gray on GodTube.
I've heard this great song on the radio several times over the last few weeks and it has really been an anthem for me.
I highly recommend the above video - but if you don't have time for that - below are the lyrics.

 "Nothing Is Wasted"
 The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
 And nothing is wasted
 Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
 Nothing is wasted
 It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
 Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
 From the ruins
 From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

In light of everything that has unfolded this week, and my own personal struggle, I thought I would share this.  I  had the privileged recently of working with a couple clients at the counseling center who were facing bereavement issues over their own personal losses. 
I've read about the stages of grief and heard various counseling theories about coping with grief, but sitting with other people in their pain and letting it be okay, somehow helped me accept my own.

I don't know what stage of grief I am in -  I don't really care.  Because I don't think it ends after stage 5.  I don't think that it gets packaged up and 'dealt with' enough to put it away so that you won't feel it anymore.  This week I have struggled with my own grief, but God gave me this beautiful vision of Himself 'working all things together for my good.'  God was sewing together this giant tapestry with pieces making up my life - joyful and painful pieces all together - creating this beautiful masterpiece that he lovingly wrapped around me like a blanket of peace and comfort. 

Nothing is wasted.  Shattered dreams are not wasted, acts of terrorism are not wasted, terrible accidents are not wasted, death is not wasted.  Because we have a Redeemer, we have a Father who lovingly and miraculously makes beauty from pain.  August 5th will come soon - and even though there won't be a baby - I find myself grateful for God's kindness, because that very day will be baby Mary's 1st birthday.  She is the daughter of my dear friends who are in Taiwan right now waiting to bring her home.  I have prayed for Mary for so many years now that my heart is full of joy for her and for her parents - so it will be a day of rejoicing, even if there is pain, I know it will not be wasted.

Thank you

Just wanted to thank you guys for your comments, text messages, phone calls, facebook messages and e-mails communicating your care and support. We have really appreciated your care for our family during this time. We are doing okay - some days are better than others, but it has been really amazing to see and feel the care and love of Jesus for me and my family. I was praying the other night and happened to look back at a journal entry from a few months ago (October) after we had started trying to get pregnant. This is what I wrote: Lord, I just feel the need to bring to you my fear and be with you. Trying to get pregnant has already been and emotional journey and as much as I want to trust you, believe the best and not live in fear... I am finding that such a hard place to be right now. I just want to be real and tell you that I am scared that I won't be able to get pregnant. And I'm scared that if I do, I will have a miscarriage. I don't want to live in fear. Please help me to trust you. I know that fear is not from you and that you are for me and not against me. I know that you are working all things together for my good. Jesus, you are victorious over fear and doubt. Get behind me Satan! Help me to choose trust. I know these things are true about you Lord, even if healing doesn't come, even if my worst fear comes true, I want to be strong and fight to live in the truth instead of being consumed by lies. So, I will put my hope, my trust, my joy, my pain, and my future in your hands. I know I cannot change what will come - certainly not by worrying about it. Jesus, I ask for your peace to be my constant companion over the coming weeks. I love you and trust you Jesus. " The Lord is my chosen portion and my cup; you hold my lot. The lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; indeed, I have a beautiful inheritance. I bless the Lord who gives me counsel, in the night also my heart instructs me. I have set the Lord always before me, because he is at my right hand, I shall not be shaken. Therefore, my heart is glad and my whole being rejoices; my flesh also dwells secure. For you will not abandon my soul to Sheol, or let your holy one see corruption. You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore." Psalm 16: 5-11 It was really good for me to go back and read that and remember the work of the Lord. I was really struggling with fear last fall when we started trying to get pregnant, but once I found out we were pregnant I really wasn't afraid anymore. It helps me to remember that as much as it scares me right now to think about future pregnancies, God has already given me the grace to not be afraid - and I know if I let him, He can do it again. I still have hope - I still have joy and I still believe that God is good, no matter what. To have my worst fears realized and come out on the other side experiencing the fullness of blessing, peace, and joy that comes from God's hand - is nothing short of the grace of God. This was the word of the Lord to me the other night: " O Lord, be gracious to us; we wait for you. Be our arm every morning, our salvation in the time of trouble... The Lord is exalted, for he dwells on high;... and he will be the stability of your times, abundance of salvation, wisdom and knowledge." Isaiah 33:2,5.

The verdict is in

H needs tubes in his ears. He has had over a dozen ear infections since November and I'm glad that after our second visit to a specialist he decided that tubes were the way to go. If you are interested you can see a sideshow of the procedure here or read about it here. We go to meet the doctor who will do the surgery tomorrow and then Tuesday morning is the actual procedure. Honestly, I think the worst part will be not being able to give him anything to eat or drink for 12 + hours!

fear?

So, I've been thinking about how being a mom has changed me - in particular the instinct I feel to protect my baby. I know some of this is natural and that all moms feel this way, I guess it is just really different from the ways that I used to feel. Here's the most recent example.

We have been living with my mom since we returned from Iraq while Jeff looks for a job. She lives in a good neighborhood right down the street from an elementary school on the good side of town. Early Saturday morning, about 2:30 am to be exact, I was awakened by a VERY loud CLACK CLACK CLACK! CLACK CLACK! I sat straight up and knew it was gunfire. It sounded like it was right outside the window. Jeff told me not to go outside because he was sure it was gunfire too. Fortunately, it didn't wake H up and so we just looked out the window and waited and sure enough a few minutes later several police cars showed up. After a while the crime van showed up and Jeff decided to go out and ask the cops what had happened. They confirmed that it was a drive by shooting at the next door neighbor's house. One man was shot and taken to the hospital but they expected him to be fine.

As the story unfolded, we figured out that the people living next door (they moved in a couple weeks ago while we were in PA) were strippers (the house is for sale) and the realty company just put someone in the house to make it look like the house was being lived in. Anyway, an ex boyfriend followed one of the girls home from work and he is the one who fired the shots. Last I heard they hadn't found him yet. There are always several people at this house and the girls I've seen there have at least 2 young children. Anyway, the point of this story is that my first instinct was - get these people out of here! I don't want them to live anywhere near me or my family.

Since this incident we've heard one of the girls outside screaming obscenities at someone and there have been several huge tatooed dudes hanging around. I was praying yesterday for these girls and this family and I just realized... that's as close as I want to get. I want to pray for them, but I don't want to go over there, I don't want to meet them and I definitely don't want to take my baby over there. Really, I just want them to go away so that I don't have to worry about some crazy ex boyfriend coming around my house with a gun again.

I didn't used to feel this way. I didn't really feel afraid when we were in Iraq, and I used to spend time with people who were homeless or prostitutes and I wasn't afraid. I guess I just feel like I don't know how to balance these new instincts that I feel with the Gospel. I know in my head that fear is just a lack of trust in God and His character and I know that safety is only an illusion and that whatever God allows my family to endure he will give us the grace to be okay and that it will be okay. I know that even if the worst thing happened, that God would still be good and we would still be okay, but I still feel this inward cringing when I think about the other night and my sleeping baby upstairs.

I don't know if this makes sense or if other parents resonate with these feelings... I just wanted to be honest about how I'm feeling and what I'm praying about right now. So, pray with me for our next door neighbors, for their children, and for our role in all of this. I want to be willing to go over there... but right now, I'm just not.

Taking Flight!

Hey Friends! H and I are heading to Pennsylvania tomorrow to visit Aunt Elyse and Uncle Stephen. If you think about it, please pray for our travels. Pray that H would be peaceful and able to be calm and get some rest during the journey. Pray for my mom and I as we travel with H that we would be able to have lots of patience and comfort to give little H during our trip. Looking forward to this week and will try and post some pictures of our trip.
Also, Jeff is heading to Waco while we are away to do some job hunting. Please continue to pray for him and for the Lord's provision for our family. Pray for interview opportunities and for refreshing and encouraging time with friends. Thanks, we appreciate your prayers!