On suffering

I will post more about this when I have more time to fully dive into a theology of suffering, but for the moment I read something from The Message Bible that I wanted to share.  In the introduction. To the book of Job the author was describing the way that Job gives voice to his sufferings and the response he encounters from men and from God.

" In our compassion, we don't like to see people suffer.  And so our instincts are aimed at preventing and alleviating suffering.  No doubt that is a good impulse.  But, if we really want to reach out to others who are suffering we should be careful not to be like Job's friends, not to do our 'helping' with the presumption that we can fix things, get rid if them, or make them 'better'. We may look at our suffering friends and imagine how they could have better marriages, better-behaved children, better mental and emotional health.  But when we rush in to fix suffering, we need to keep in mind several things.
First, no matter how insightful we may be, we don't really understand the full nature of our friends' problems.  Second, our friends may not want our advice.  Third, the ironic fact of the matter is that more often than not, people do not suffer less when they are committed to following God, but more.  When these people go through suffering, their lives are often transformed. Deepened, marked with beauty and holiness, in remarkable ways that could never have been anticipated before the suffering.
So, instead of continuing to focus on preventing suffering - which we simply won't be very successful at anyway- perhaps we should begin entering the suffering, participating insofar as we are able - entering the mystery and looking around for God.  In other words, we need to quit feeling sorry for people who suffer and instead look up to them, learn from them, and - if they will let us- join them in protest and prayer.  Pity can be nearsighted and condescending; shared suffering can be dignifying and life-changing.  As we look at Job's suffering and praying and worshiping, we see that he has already blazed a trail of courage and integrity for us to follow."

Reading the story of Job right now has been healing for me to gather strength and courage from the ways Job cries out to The Lord and protests loudly through his pain....yet he does not forsake God.  If you haven't read The Message version of Job, I highly recommend it.  I don't pretend to be Job, to be holy, but I am one who suffers...."Where's the strength to keep my hopes up?  What future do I have to keep me going?  Do you think I have nerves of steel?  Do you think I am made of iron?  Do you think I can pull myself up by my bootstraps?  Why, I don't even have any boots!"

Cast My Cares

If you need some courage today... and I find myself needing courage often these days, this song has been a true encouragement to me and given me courage to turn to Jesus and tell the truth.  If you don't know anything about Tim Timmons, you need to google him and read a little of his story.  Then listen to this song again and hear what an amazing testimony it is to the Goodness of God that no matter what your circumstances are - God is faithful.

In the middle of the night
When worry finds me
In the middle of the fight
When strength is gone
In the middle of a fire
When fear is closing in
You are, You are my song
You're my hope, when hope is gone

I will cast my cares on You the almighty
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You're good
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You love me, You love me
Oh, oh because You love me

In the middle of the night
When worry finds me
In the middle of the fight
When strength is gone
In the middle of a fire
When fear is closing in
You are, You are my song
You're my hope, when hope is gone

So I will cast my cares on You the almighty
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You're good
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You love me, You love me
Oh, oh because You love me
Oh, oh because You love me

God of glory
You are able
Through Your power
To be faithful
God of mercy
Every moment
You are near to me

So I will cast my cares on You the almighty
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You're good
I will cast my cares on You 'cause You love me, You love me
Oh, oh because You love me
Oh, oh because You love me

In the middle of the night
I'll pray with confidence
In the middle of the fight
You're greater still
In the middle of a fire
Your love is holding me
You are, You are my song
You're my hope, when hope is gone

 

Grief

I have been sitting down to write this and walking away with it incomplete for a few days now.  I think I am finally ready to open a window to the grief.  Even in my training as a therapist and working with a couple clients who were struggling with bereavement issues of their own, truly nothing equips you to deal with your own tragedy until it mows you down and leaves you breathless.  I came across a poem today that I wrote shortly after Haydn was born and somehow it spoke to exactly where I am today.

I need to be reminded
of who You are
of opened hands choosing Your will
the same hands waiting to cradle me still.
Reminded that today is not forever
and that yesterday is not tomorrow.
Reminded that safety is only an illusion
and fear isn't worth the hope that I'm loosing.
Reminded of Your love that is
shiftless and strong.
I cannot change it, deserve it,
only receive it and give it.
I can't seem to forget the fleeting worries of today
which only make Eternity seem further away.
I need to be reminded that the things I forget
are more true and lasting than the things with me yet.

As I have struggled with my grief, I have felt the prayers of many carry me to the Throne and God has been there.  It has given me the strength and the courage to resolve to give up any pretense of holiness and just tell Jesus the truth - that this is terrible, that I'm so disappointed God didn't spare me from this, and I'm so deeply sad for my family.  I resolved to ask God the impossible questions and wait for Him to meet me there - even if it isn't to provide me with the answers my heart seeks - I know He will meet me in that place of pain and hurt and be with me.  Over the last week I have experienced peace, peace of letting go, really knowing in my heart of hearts that my life is not my own and as much as I strive and try to control things - it will only end in fatigue and frustration.

I have struggled with being real, before others and before God.  So many people have been overwhelmingly kind to me during these difficult days, and while well intentioned, some have given me the distinct impression that what they really want is just for me to be okay.  But, nothing about loosing two babies in the same year is okay.  I heard a story recently about a man who suffered from Cerebral Palsy and he talked about what a burden he carried trying to assure and affirm others who visited him in the hospital and what a rare gift it is to have someone who won't try to cheer you up or make you feel better.  I sense that feeling of needing to rush to some state of healing so that others won't worry or so I can appear to be put together again.  I think especially as Christians we can put a lot of pressure on ourselves to respond "rightly" and move to a place of perfect peace, open hands, and smiling lips that sing praises.  As if somehow holiness is an attainable virtue based on personal performance.

Honestly, I never imagined this would be my 'lot' and it seems the worldly notion of getting what you deserve is planted somewhere in my being.  It is difficult for me to accept this 'lot' and release responsibility - I did not earn or deserve it and I cannot perform or deserve my way out of it.  Being good, acting holy, responding 'rightly', working hard, and loving others will not bring my babies back or protect me from another tragedy.  However, I am learning that opening my heart - wounds and all - and acting justly, loving mercy, being thankful - it may just prepare me to weather the storm, and embrace each day without squandering the opportunity to live fully where ever I am.  Whether I am rejoicing in the blessing, grieving in the loss - somehow, by the grace of God, there is goodness, reasons to be thankful, and joy that overcomes deepest sorrows.

I can't say I would ever choose the brokenness, the pain that shatters hearts into a thousand pieces.  But, I see the beauty, even now I see the beauty of a Deliverer who knows the deepest darkness, the greatest suffering, the most immense fear... and He will not withdraw his hand - He will not forsake His beloved.  That is the confidence we have, those who walk the path of brokenness.  And once you have been down this road and found joy, found hope, found peace - there is truly nothing to fear - because you know that even if you have to descend to the deepest darkness, He will find you there and He will be good.

I feel hope rising in my heart again.  Hope that I will reap a harvest of goodness, even if it isn't what I asked for.  "I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.  Wait for the Lord, be strong and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the Lord."  Psalm 27:13-14.  So, I'm still here, my heart still broken, but I resolve to hold on to Jesus and persevere until there is a harvest of blessing.  Like Jacob wrestling with God, but refusing to let go - I grieve, but I also wait with expectation, believing God is bringing beauty from the ashes.

Fall with you

You are a house that’s broken down
You are a house that’s burning
And everything in me wants to run
But that’s not love

If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you

I planted seeds down in the ground
Not every one is growing
When I am tempted to give up
I choose love

If you fall, I fall with you
If you hurt I feel it too
Even if my heart turns black and blue
I will love you

Beauty and light will fight for you
Goodness will rise

It shines for you

I came across this song today and it put words to the melody of my heart today.  I needed to be reminded that as far as I fall, I am not alone.  I haven't been able to talk to many people yet, but I have been so grateful for the outpouring of support and for friends who are willing to fall with me and fight with me and hurt with me.  There is no right thing to say to someone in this place, no words that make the pain less.  But, there has been something healing about friends and family willing to sit with me in my pain and let it be okay that nothing is okay.

Breaking the Silence

The blog went silent a few months ago, in part because I started a new job that keeps me very busy, but also in part because I found out I was pregnant again and felt a little terrified of telling the world.  We made it past the point were I miscarried last time in January (9 weeks), we made it through the first trimester screening (13 weeks) and everything looked perfect.  Baby was fine, heartbeat was strong, no red flags on any testing that was done.  We told Haydn about the baby, we shared the news with friends and co-workers.  We believed in April we would be holding our newest family member... this week, just shy of 17 weeks - everything changed.

I sit in silence - these the only 'words' that can escape.  I still can't believe it, at 16.5 weeks, we lost another baby - "late term missed miscarriage" it is called.  Despite my fear, my worry, my worst nightmares - I really believed that everything would be okay.  Total devastation, shattered hopes, utter agonizing pain - that is what surrounds me.  To have made it to this point and loose this baby we desperately wanted, hoped for, waited for, prayed for, believed God for.  It is a crushing blow - one that I don't think I've even fully absorbed yet.

Somehow, God has been preparing my heart to receive this - bringing me to points of being willing to fully entrust this baby to Him and believing that as much as I love and desire good things for my children - God loves and desires good things for me and my family.  So, where's the good?  I struggle with why it had to happen like this, why bring us this far, why are there no answers for my dead babies?  What about the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I prayed specifically for this to NOT happen?  I don't have answers to those questions, right now - maybe I never will.  But God has been reminding me all along that HE is God and I am not.  And who am I to accept blessings from His hand and not also accept burdens and pain? 

Recently, I was reminded about the kind of woman I want to be.  The kind that pours out grace to those in my life because I know all that God has redeemed me from and as a result I live with open hands that receive from Him and pour out in return.  I don't deserve happy endings or easy roadways.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful when they come, but God hasn't cheated me when it doesn't turn out that way.  Why?  Because this isn't Eden and it isn't Heaven.  It is the waiting... and the waiting is full of awful, painful reminders of our humanness.  Humanness that reminds us to thank the Lord that this is not eternity.  Heaven is coming, and when it does there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartbreak.  And when I get there, there will be three perfectly formed babies waiting for their Mommy and together we will worship the Lord -  forever. But until then, I am here - waiting.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was reading the Bible and came across a verse I wrote down, not knowing it would become the epitome of where I sit today.  "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace.  Luke 1:64-65"  (The Message)

I sit here, in the shadow of death, waiting for the merciful light of God to shine and show me the way one step at a time to His peace.  Please pray with us, we so desperately need it right now as we stand on this precipice of total darkness and despair.  It would be so easy to choose despair instead of hope, fear instead of trust, anger instead of grace, and hearts that are hardened instead of open.  Pray for our sweet 4 year old baby.  I don't know how to shield him from my pain as much this time around.  He grieves in his own way and doesn't understand why the baby had to go to heaven - I don't know either.  He sees our sadness and wants to pretend there is a baby so maybe we will feel better.  It breaks my heart all over again. 

I know somehow the sun will rise, dawn will break in my heart again, and joy will come in the morning - but I still feel so lost right now.  All I can do is breathe in grace, breathe out praise, and repeat.

tomorrow

Tomorrow is another day, but unlike all the rest, it was the day we were given to expect our number two.  I can't ignore it or pretend it doesn't feel a bit like a robbery of hope gone from my  arms before it was to be held.  The other babies have all come and even as my heart fills with joy, my breath catches in my chest and it feels like a weight I don't know how to bear.

I grieve, not everyday, but I still find myself surprised by the pain that surfaces over things I didn't expect.  I am reminded often of the prayer of Habakkuk the prophet:

¹⁷ Though the fig tree should not blossom,
    nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
    and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
    and there be no herd in the stalls,
¹⁸ yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
    I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
¹⁹ God, the Lord, is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the deer's;
    he makes me tread on my high places.

A year ago, as we celebrated  our anniversary (early) and began the journey of continuing to grow our family - we could not have foreseen all that would unfold and the ground we would be standing on today.  I never imagined, even in my fear, that we would not have a baby right now.  I have certainly not been the picture of perfect peace and acceptance as we have walked this road, but by God's grace I am moving to that place.  My once tightly closed fists have loosened and on my better days are open hands, ready to receive whatever the Lord chooses to give.  

Tomorrow will come, the "baby room" is empty, everything stashed in the closet I hate to look in.  But, even through the 'emptiness' of tomorrow - there is still joy.  Joy that God has been abundant in blessing my family, even when it wasn't what I wanted.  Joy that his perfect love can drive out fear.  Joy that He is victorious over death and pain and tears.  Joy that our wonderful friends get to celebrate their daughter's 1st birthday - she is their miracle baby.

I guess the hope and the joy I've experienced, especially over the last 7 months - it is that which none can steal or destroy.  It is easy to hope when you get exactly what you wanted, but what about when it is stolen away or out of your reach?  Well, that journey of hope for me has been painful, but what remains is joy and strength - belief in the character of God.  Even when the fig doesn't blossom, when there is no fruit, when the fields are empty, when the flock is lost, and the herd missing.  Even then, joy can come in the morning and hope rise with the dawn.

summer!!

It has been wonderful to have a break from school and work!  I almost forgot what it was like to have so much time.  In fact, just last week I decided it was good idea to fill my remaining weeks of vacation with training and caring for two rescue puppies!

What was I thinking?!  They are very cute.... and very energetic!  Bless my in laws hearts for keeping them for us this week when we go visit my family in New Orleans.  Hopefully, they won't develop the eye twitch that I have since we adopted them last week!  Here's a quick update of life since May in pictures (those are my favorite updates to read after all)

I had a lot of fun celebrating my graduation in May.  My sister came down and surprised me and my family and friends had a surprise party for me, it was a lot of fun! 

We went to visit my sister and her family in Pennsylvania during my vacation, it was really fun!  H had a blast!

 H's favorite part was going to the Crayola factory and riding on Thomas the train!  It was pretty awesome and we all had a great time and enjoyed spending time with family!

Pictures of the puppies to come... if they will sit still long enough!  I'm also super excited to report that I got a new job which will start August 1st.  I will be a Licensed Specialist in School Psychology Intern with the school district.  I'm excited to start this new chapter and get another step closer to becoming a licensed psychologist!  It has been a busy summer already, but we are having lots of fun!