I've been learning a lot about marriage and parenting lately and just wanted to process some of my thoughts. Jeff & I are very different in a lot of our ideas and the ways we approach things, which can lead to a lot of misunderstanding or frustration. I'm not a big fan of fighting (and Jeff is totally averse to it) however, I've never been one to back down from conflict, particularly conflict that is healthy and has the potential for healing in relationships.
I am learning about having a healthy marriage while being partners in parenting mostly from seeing the same circular arguments and finally choosing to approach things differently. Parenting is the most important and most difficult task that I will ever undertake - I feel fairly confident of that. I think that is why God gave us partners, to strengthen us, balance us out and for goodness sake HELP us! I don't claim to have it all figured out, I'm pretty sure when I think I have arrived at understanding I will find it was just a pit stop and a new unknown phase is right around the corner. Here are some of the things I am learning about myself and some of the things I am trying to employ to make us a happier family:
1) My way is not the only way. It may appear (to me) to be the most effective way, but it is a loosing battle to insist that trivial things be accomplished exactly the way that I would do them. It just makes Jeff feel unappreciated and discourages him from taking initiative when I try to control the way he chooses to do things.
2) Be thankful. See above. My husband is a wonderful father and a caring husband. I have nothing to complain about. If the shoes don't go in the basket I bought for them or if I am constantly picking up socks, those things should not cause me to be snippy or unappreciative of all of the things he does that are a huge help to our family.
3) Communication is hard... but worth it. When there is an argument worth having (which is another point in itself) I need to put away my pride and sense of righteous indignation to LISTEN carefully to the person in front of me instead of holding on to hurt feelings.
4) Guilt is not God honoring. When someone makes a mistake and they acknowledge it and try to move on, doing anything to harbor or illicit guilt in them for their mistake is not from Jesus. Jesus extends forgiveness and grace that covers ALL sins. Being gracious and forgiving is bound to add at least 15 years to your life - I'm sure of it.
5) Modeling support and trust are important for our children's ability to recognize and pursue healthy relationships as they get older. Being supportive and encouraging to your child alone is not enough if they do not see you support and encourage your partner at home. Children are very perceptive and will internalize their parent's relationship characteristics.
6) Share the load. There will be times when each of you has reached the end of your human ability to respond appropriately to each other and to your children. Recognize these signs in your partner and intervene before the rope is gone. Pray for each other, encourage each other and step in to share the load in whatever way your partner needs of you at that time.
Jeff & I celebrated our 4 year anniversary last month and I feel so blessed to have him as my partner in love, in life and in parenting. I am so grateful that we have both learned and grown so much from the ways we used to fight and handle disagreements. It just goes to show that Jesus really does cover over a multitude of sins and will heal us when we ask him. I am sure we both still have a lot to learn, but I'm not afraid to disagree or have conflict anymore - hope you feel the same, dear. =) I love you Jeff and love our life together.
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Friday, January 13, 2012
Stuff for New Moms
Since my sister is having her first baby in March and I am having some emotional ‘baby fever’… however, on an intellectual level I am acutely aware that we are not ready for another child. So, to placate myself I came up with a list of things that are a new mom’s best friend.
Sleep deprivation is part of the territory so some tools to help you not look like the mess you feel are:
Benefit’s eye bright pencil. It works small miracles in making you look awake even when you don’t feel that way at all!
Some other life saving beauty products are dry shampoo and tinted moisturizer. It was a rude awakening when suddenly I couldn’t take a shower when I wanted to (or needed to) and so using dry shampoo saved me more than once. If you have dark hair, the best kind that I have found is this:
Oscar Blandi Pronto Invisible Volumizing Dry Shampoo Spray
Not only does it absorb the grease but it adds volume to your hair so it doesn’t look so flat.
What makes tinted moisturizer so great is that when you don’t have time to really apply make up you can still rub this on real quick and it evens out your skin tone and also provides SPF protection. My favorite kind is this
Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer SPF 20 – Illuminating
As someone who has always been in school full time or worked full time (currently doing both), it was a hard adjustment for me to stay at home. I liked being busy and the tangible feeling of accomplishing something. While taking care of a baby keeps you pretty busy, it can be easy to feel like your life is a circle of diapers and feedings and things are never really finished. Once we got into a kind of routine, I decided I wanted to start tackling some projects, and that is when I learned to sew and knit and started re-doing some furniture. Finding these kinds of hobbies helped me gain that sense of accomplishment that I had missed and just provided an outlet for me to use up some energy. There are tons of great resources out there if you want to learn to sew or knit, some of the books I have used are:
One – Yard Wonders
What was cool about this book is that it included 100 patterns for all kinds of things you can make with only one yard of fabric. This book along with some online tutorials were what I used to learn to sew.
I had a friend who showed me the basics of knitting, but when I wanted to learn more about how make patterns I used this book. Stitch N Bitch
What was cool about this book is that it spelled things out for me really clearly. I’m just now learning how to use patterns, but this has been a good book so far. I have also referred to several youtube videos when reading doesn’t make sense and I need to see someone cast off or add a new ball of yarn, etc.
I don’t have a lot of other wisdom or products that will make motherhood any easier - just give yourself a lot of grace and try to remember that it really is just a stage and before you know it your baby will be doing something else you were totally unprepared for!
One of the classes I’m taking this semester is developmental psychology and we are learning all about psychological development from infancy to adulthood. We are only in infancy right now and one of the reoccurring themes is that our children teach us how to be parents. We carry around this weighty responsibility of taking care of them, providing for them, teaching them, etc. and all along at every stage of development, they are actually teaching us how to respond to their needs and be good parents. We just need to pay attention, be responsive and take care of each other. Take time for yourself to do the things that re-energize you, whether it is shopping, spending time with friends, reading, whatever it is… when you feel burnt out, give yourself permission to take a break – you will be a better parent for it. My son is only 2 and 2 months, so I still have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, but being his mom has been one of the greatest privileges of my life (preceded only by being Jeff’s wife and being a daughter of the King). Motherhood isn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be and I’m certainly not one of those parents that make it look effortless … but real life is so much better than perfection =)
Sleep deprivation is part of the territory so some tools to help you not look like the mess you feel are:
Benefit’s eye bright pencil. It works small miracles in making you look awake even when you don’t feel that way at all!
Some other life saving beauty products are dry shampoo and tinted moisturizer. It was a rude awakening when suddenly I couldn’t take a shower when I wanted to (or needed to) and so using dry shampoo saved me more than once. If you have dark hair, the best kind that I have found is this:
Oscar Blandi Pronto Invisible Volumizing Dry Shampoo Spray
Not only does it absorb the grease but it adds volume to your hair so it doesn’t look so flat.
What makes tinted moisturizer so great is that when you don’t have time to really apply make up you can still rub this on real quick and it evens out your skin tone and also provides SPF protection. My favorite kind is this
Laura Mercier Tinted Moisturizer SPF 20 – Illuminating
As someone who has always been in school full time or worked full time (currently doing both), it was a hard adjustment for me to stay at home. I liked being busy and the tangible feeling of accomplishing something. While taking care of a baby keeps you pretty busy, it can be easy to feel like your life is a circle of diapers and feedings and things are never really finished. Once we got into a kind of routine, I decided I wanted to start tackling some projects, and that is when I learned to sew and knit and started re-doing some furniture. Finding these kinds of hobbies helped me gain that sense of accomplishment that I had missed and just provided an outlet for me to use up some energy. There are tons of great resources out there if you want to learn to sew or knit, some of the books I have used are:
One – Yard Wonders
What was cool about this book is that it included 100 patterns for all kinds of things you can make with only one yard of fabric. This book along with some online tutorials were what I used to learn to sew.
I had a friend who showed me the basics of knitting, but when I wanted to learn more about how make patterns I used this book. Stitch N Bitch
What was cool about this book is that it spelled things out for me really clearly. I’m just now learning how to use patterns, but this has been a good book so far. I have also referred to several youtube videos when reading doesn’t make sense and I need to see someone cast off or add a new ball of yarn, etc.
I don’t have a lot of other wisdom or products that will make motherhood any easier - just give yourself a lot of grace and try to remember that it really is just a stage and before you know it your baby will be doing something else you were totally unprepared for!
One of the classes I’m taking this semester is developmental psychology and we are learning all about psychological development from infancy to adulthood. We are only in infancy right now and one of the reoccurring themes is that our children teach us how to be parents. We carry around this weighty responsibility of taking care of them, providing for them, teaching them, etc. and all along at every stage of development, they are actually teaching us how to respond to their needs and be good parents. We just need to pay attention, be responsive and take care of each other. Take time for yourself to do the things that re-energize you, whether it is shopping, spending time with friends, reading, whatever it is… when you feel burnt out, give yourself permission to take a break – you will be a better parent for it. My son is only 2 and 2 months, so I still have no idea what I’m doing most of the time, but being his mom has been one of the greatest privileges of my life (preceded only by being Jeff’s wife and being a daughter of the King). Motherhood isn’t as glamorous as I thought it would be and I’m certainly not one of those parents that make it look effortless … but real life is so much better than perfection =)
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Growing Up
It has been wonderful to have 2 weeks off work to spend with H... but let me tell you, we are entering a a much more 'challenging' stage of parenting. It is really fun to see him growing up and developing more of a personality, but I guess I thought we had longer before the disobedience and limit testing... adventures in parenting here we come!
In other news, I registered to take the GRE in February. I decided (with some sister
persuasion) that there really is no good time to go back to school and that if it really is what I want then I just have to do it. So, here goes nothing!
H's first meeting with Santa Claus. It went about as well as expected...
My new favorite picture of our little man and all of his 11 teeth!
After several attempts...this was the best Christmas picture we were gonna get.
Playing at Grandma & Grandpa's house!
H looooves to be outside. He goes to the door about 20 times a day and tries to open it - fortunately he can only reach the handle, he can't turn it yet. Happy New Year every one!
In other news, I registered to take the GRE in February. I decided (with some sister
persuasion) that there really is no good time to go back to school and that if it really is what I want then I just have to do it. So, here goes nothing!
H's first meeting with Santa Claus. It went about as well as expected...
My new favorite picture of our little man and all of his 11 teeth!
After several attempts...this was the best Christmas picture we were gonna get.
Playing at Grandma & Grandpa's house!
H looooves to be outside. He goes to the door about 20 times a day and tries to open it - fortunately he can only reach the handle, he can't turn it yet. Happy New Year every one!
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