For those of you who have been following our family, you know that we initially submitted our application to be foster parents back in October. We have completed months of classes, our home study, home inspections, and all. the. paperwork! We are still waiting for the state to push the 'approve' button to be officially opened, but I'm expecting that to happen very soon.
I thought it might be helpful to address some of the common questions/concerns about foster care that I have heard as we have been working towards becoming a foster home. I love to dialogue about foster care, so if there are questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to ask me!
# 1 - Why would you do this? Isn't life hard enough?
I think maybe the biggest misconception about foster parents is that they are either super-human or they are in it for the wrong reasons. Yes, you do get a monthly reimbursement from the state for being a foster home. While the amount varies based on the type of child and the state, my personal feeling is that the money is very unlikely to cover all of the expenses involved in caring for the child and so I have to believe that most people who are choosing foster care, are doing it to provide a safe and loving home to a child who needs one. Regarding being super-humans - Nope. You don't have to be around my family long to determine that we are pretty ordinary. We try to be intentional about the ways we discipline and care for our children and our marriage, but we are just two parents who work full-time jobs, love our roles as mom and dad, and can't ignore the fact that there are hundreds of children in our city who need safe homes. We have room in our hearts and room in our home, and while I know it will be hard, I also believe it is going to be really wonderful for all of us.
#2 - I could never do that. I would get too attached.
I totally understand where this is coming from - I may have even uttered these words myself when I first began thinking about foster care. The underlying implication here though is that foster parents must in turn be robots who do not experience attachment and love, but are really just mechanical care-givers. I will get attached to our foster children. I will love them the way I love my own children. I will care for them, nurture them, advocate for them, and believe a bright future for them of healing and restoration for their families. Many of these kids have not yet experienced healthy attachments, so it is absolutely vital that they experience a trusting, loving, attachment to a care-giver. As someone who has known and experienced deep grief, I know that it will hurt terribly when these children leave our home, but I also know by experience the incredible well of grace that is deeper than the deepest hurt. I am the adult. I can love deeply and hurt deeply so that these children get to experience a healing, loving home.
# 3 - What about your kids? Aren't you worried about how this is going to impact them?
Yes, yep, for sure, absolutely. I think about my sweet children and worry about them ALL.THE.TIME. We are not just going to be foster parents, we are going to be a foster family, that means all of us are invested in being a healthy, thriving home for a hurting child. Foster care is a place of trauma, it is inviting brokenness into your home and saying - "you can stay here, it is safe." We have had months of conversations about foster care with our children and honestly, there have been tears (from both of us) and it still feels fragile as we don't yet know what it will feel like to do this everyday. But, I have SO much faith for my family with foster care. I believe that they are going to see first hand what it looks like to serve, to think beyond yourself, to give even when it hurts, and to love without guarantees. I believe that my kids can handle the trauma of foster care because they come from a place of safety and security, they know that we can do hard things. We will always be looking out for our children, re-evaluating the health of our home, and trusting Jesus to take the next steps.
# 4 - Why don't you just adopt?
We thought about adoption and prayed a lot about that route. Honestly, the price tag was the biggest deterrent, but as we begin to learn more about foster care, the more I felt drawn to this particular pathway. I would love to have more forever children in my home, but I see foster care as this precious space to stand in on behalf of children and families who are broken. I'm not doing this so I can adopt all of these children, I don't even expect to be able to adopt right now. I don't want these mama's who are hurting and broken to feel like I am trying to take their kids. I want to be for families - I believe that whenever possible, families should stay together. I want to love these birth parents, advocate for their family, and care for these kids for as long as that is the plan. I've seen a lot of children in my line of work who were in foster care for a period of time and went back home. For some of them it was a solid reunification, and for others it led to lots of bouncing around. The goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification, until it is not. My heart is to love these kids, give them the care they will need to build skills when they are at home and help them develop positive attachments. None of that is wasted, even if the placement does not end in adoption, none of that time loving a child is wasted.
#5 - So does this mean you are saying 'yes' to anything?
Nope. We have given our agency certain parameters to work with when it comes to placement. For us, we want a baby, so ages 0-2. We don't care about gender or race, but that is something that you could give specifications for. We also asked for a 'basic' child, that means no obvious medical problems or special needs. Also, our plan right now is just to take 1 child. We are being licensed to have 6 children in our home (that means 4 potential foster kids), but we really feel like we need to ease into this one 'yes' at a time. An important part of helping Jeff shake off some of his reservations regarding foster care was setting parameters and agreeing that this is not an open ended 'yes' to all things. It is just the next yes. There will be more phone calls, more kids who need homes, and when the time comes, we will say yes together, or the answer is no.
I think those are the biggest questions that I've gotten so far about foster care. Thank you all for your prayers and support for us as we have started this journey. Foster care takes a village... like an actual village of people, so I'm so grateful to have friends and family who are willing to be certified as respite providers, take CPR classes and keep our own children so that we can do the things we need to do in order to be ready. I'm so excited and eager for this journey to start. Please pray with us for our first placement and stay tuned!
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