As Levi's 2nd birthday approaches, and we've been processing the difficult reality that our sweet foster son is facing some delays - It has been a lot. A dear friend reminded me recently that when your Plan A gets shattered and you are living your Plan B or even your Plan D, every new setback can be weighty with past disappointment that lurks close to the surface.
I'm going to be honest - because I think honesty is where healing lives and because I'm just a really bad faker... but when you have lived through multiple tragedies and worst case scenarios playing out despite your desperate pleas for God to heal and spare you from something awful, it is hard to face something uncertain and believe that everything will be okay because I ask God to make it so. I don't mean to imply that I don't believe in prayer or the healing power of God, because I know that there will be enough grace to keep going, but that is really the end of my certainty about the future.
It has been 2 years since Levi was stillborn without any explanation or defect. The sense of loss still feels fresh and deep while no longer gaping open. It is like a slow leak that seeps out of you always. I am still being filled and still experiencing life and joy, but there is part of my heart that isn't with me anymore. It is the torment of separation that never really goes away - its edges get duller, but I still ache to be with my babies.
October 6th - there is no 'happy birthday' I can utter on this day that was so dark. But there is peace in knowing that the torment is mine (and shared by those who love me) and never Levi's. He didn't have to face loss, pain, or disappointment of this life. He has only known perfection and unity with the Father; and who better to truly understand this gaping hole that loss can leave?
"He was despised and forsaken of men. A man of sorrows and acquainted with grief... surely our griefs He Himself bore and our sorrows He carried." Isaiah 53:3-4.
This was not my plan A, and I reject the idea that this was all God's Plan A for me - but that's another conversation. I am in the middle of my Plan B and sometimes it is a struggle to find joy here, but it is never a struggle to find Jesus here. That's the thing about not getting to live out your Plan A. It becomes apparent that the person you have become as a result of the abrupt changes to your plans is an entirely different person than you would have been if everything had gone according to plan. I don't mean to imply that I am unhappy with my life - I am living a really beautiful life right now and there are so many things to be grateful for and I am more blessed than I deserve.
It is hard for me to pray that God will make everything according to my plans, so I try to be honest with Him about my heart and ask Him to help me have open hands to receive whatever it is He will give me- even when it isn't what I wanted. I would love for things to be 'easy' for baby and for him to not have to struggle and hurt and have life long issues that will be complicated, but I also know that there are so many 'atypical' children who get to teach the rest of us about love and life in ways we may not see without their unique voice and perspective.
I know a lot of us are living our our Plan B's and that can sting sometimes. My plan B has given me the privilege of seeing with my own eyes how God can make beautiful things out of dust and how He never stops pursuing us even if our pain takes us to the deepest depths - He doesn't shy away from pain or anger. Letting go of the plans I had is sometimes still a struggle, but when I can focus on what I have right now - I see full hands, full hearts, and a Good Father who is not distant, but very near us in defeat and near us in triumph. Plan B isn't just okay.... it is good, there is still abundance and blessing here beyond what I imagined.
Sunday, September 30, 2018
Sunday, July 1, 2018
FAQ - foster care edition
For those of you who have been following our family, you know that we initially submitted our application to be foster parents back in October. We have completed months of classes, our home study, home inspections, and all. the. paperwork! We are still waiting for the state to push the 'approve' button to be officially opened, but I'm expecting that to happen very soon.
I thought it might be helpful to address some of the common questions/concerns about foster care that I have heard as we have been working towards becoming a foster home. I love to dialogue about foster care, so if there are questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to ask me!
# 1 - Why would you do this? Isn't life hard enough?
I think maybe the biggest misconception about foster parents is that they are either super-human or they are in it for the wrong reasons. Yes, you do get a monthly reimbursement from the state for being a foster home. While the amount varies based on the type of child and the state, my personal feeling is that the money is very unlikely to cover all of the expenses involved in caring for the child and so I have to believe that most people who are choosing foster care, are doing it to provide a safe and loving home to a child who needs one. Regarding being super-humans - Nope. You don't have to be around my family long to determine that we are pretty ordinary. We try to be intentional about the ways we discipline and care for our children and our marriage, but we are just two parents who work full-time jobs, love our roles as mom and dad, and can't ignore the fact that there are hundreds of children in our city who need safe homes. We have room in our hearts and room in our home, and while I know it will be hard, I also believe it is going to be really wonderful for all of us.
#2 - I could never do that. I would get too attached.
I totally understand where this is coming from - I may have even uttered these words myself when I first began thinking about foster care. The underlying implication here though is that foster parents must in turn be robots who do not experience attachment and love, but are really just mechanical care-givers. I will get attached to our foster children. I will love them the way I love my own children. I will care for them, nurture them, advocate for them, and believe a bright future for them of healing and restoration for their families. Many of these kids have not yet experienced healthy attachments, so it is absolutely vital that they experience a trusting, loving, attachment to a care-giver. As someone who has known and experienced deep grief, I know that it will hurt terribly when these children leave our home, but I also know by experience the incredible well of grace that is deeper than the deepest hurt. I am the adult. I can love deeply and hurt deeply so that these children get to experience a healing, loving home.
# 3 - What about your kids? Aren't you worried about how this is going to impact them?
Yes, yep, for sure, absolutely. I think about my sweet children and worry about them ALL.THE.TIME. We are not just going to be foster parents, we are going to be a foster family, that means all of us are invested in being a healthy, thriving home for a hurting child. Foster care is a place of trauma, it is inviting brokenness into your home and saying - "you can stay here, it is safe." We have had months of conversations about foster care with our children and honestly, there have been tears (from both of us) and it still feels fragile as we don't yet know what it will feel like to do this everyday. But, I have SO much faith for my family with foster care. I believe that they are going to see first hand what it looks like to serve, to think beyond yourself, to give even when it hurts, and to love without guarantees. I believe that my kids can handle the trauma of foster care because they come from a place of safety and security, they know that we can do hard things. We will always be looking out for our children, re-evaluating the health of our home, and trusting Jesus to take the next steps.
# 4 - Why don't you just adopt?
We thought about adoption and prayed a lot about that route. Honestly, the price tag was the biggest deterrent, but as we begin to learn more about foster care, the more I felt drawn to this particular pathway. I would love to have more forever children in my home, but I see foster care as this precious space to stand in on behalf of children and families who are broken. I'm not doing this so I can adopt all of these children, I don't even expect to be able to adopt right now. I don't want these mama's who are hurting and broken to feel like I am trying to take their kids. I want to be for families - I believe that whenever possible, families should stay together. I want to love these birth parents, advocate for their family, and care for these kids for as long as that is the plan. I've seen a lot of children in my line of work who were in foster care for a period of time and went back home. For some of them it was a solid reunification, and for others it led to lots of bouncing around. The goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification, until it is not. My heart is to love these kids, give them the care they will need to build skills when they are at home and help them develop positive attachments. None of that is wasted, even if the placement does not end in adoption, none of that time loving a child is wasted.
#5 - So does this mean you are saying 'yes' to anything?
Nope. We have given our agency certain parameters to work with when it comes to placement. For us, we want a baby, so ages 0-2. We don't care about gender or race, but that is something that you could give specifications for. We also asked for a 'basic' child, that means no obvious medical problems or special needs. Also, our plan right now is just to take 1 child. We are being licensed to have 6 children in our home (that means 4 potential foster kids), but we really feel like we need to ease into this one 'yes' at a time. An important part of helping Jeff shake off some of his reservations regarding foster care was setting parameters and agreeing that this is not an open ended 'yes' to all things. It is just the next yes. There will be more phone calls, more kids who need homes, and when the time comes, we will say yes together, or the answer is no.
I think those are the biggest questions that I've gotten so far about foster care. Thank you all for your prayers and support for us as we have started this journey. Foster care takes a village... like an actual village of people, so I'm so grateful to have friends and family who are willing to be certified as respite providers, take CPR classes and keep our own children so that we can do the things we need to do in order to be ready. I'm so excited and eager for this journey to start. Please pray with us for our first placement and stay tuned!
I thought it might be helpful to address some of the common questions/concerns about foster care that I have heard as we have been working towards becoming a foster home. I love to dialogue about foster care, so if there are questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to ask me!
# 1 - Why would you do this? Isn't life hard enough?
I think maybe the biggest misconception about foster parents is that they are either super-human or they are in it for the wrong reasons. Yes, you do get a monthly reimbursement from the state for being a foster home. While the amount varies based on the type of child and the state, my personal feeling is that the money is very unlikely to cover all of the expenses involved in caring for the child and so I have to believe that most people who are choosing foster care, are doing it to provide a safe and loving home to a child who needs one. Regarding being super-humans - Nope. You don't have to be around my family long to determine that we are pretty ordinary. We try to be intentional about the ways we discipline and care for our children and our marriage, but we are just two parents who work full-time jobs, love our roles as mom and dad, and can't ignore the fact that there are hundreds of children in our city who need safe homes. We have room in our hearts and room in our home, and while I know it will be hard, I also believe it is going to be really wonderful for all of us.
#2 - I could never do that. I would get too attached.
I totally understand where this is coming from - I may have even uttered these words myself when I first began thinking about foster care. The underlying implication here though is that foster parents must in turn be robots who do not experience attachment and love, but are really just mechanical care-givers. I will get attached to our foster children. I will love them the way I love my own children. I will care for them, nurture them, advocate for them, and believe a bright future for them of healing and restoration for their families. Many of these kids have not yet experienced healthy attachments, so it is absolutely vital that they experience a trusting, loving, attachment to a care-giver. As someone who has known and experienced deep grief, I know that it will hurt terribly when these children leave our home, but I also know by experience the incredible well of grace that is deeper than the deepest hurt. I am the adult. I can love deeply and hurt deeply so that these children get to experience a healing, loving home.
# 3 - What about your kids? Aren't you worried about how this is going to impact them?
Yes, yep, for sure, absolutely. I think about my sweet children and worry about them ALL.THE.TIME. We are not just going to be foster parents, we are going to be a foster family, that means all of us are invested in being a healthy, thriving home for a hurting child. Foster care is a place of trauma, it is inviting brokenness into your home and saying - "you can stay here, it is safe." We have had months of conversations about foster care with our children and honestly, there have been tears (from both of us) and it still feels fragile as we don't yet know what it will feel like to do this everyday. But, I have SO much faith for my family with foster care. I believe that they are going to see first hand what it looks like to serve, to think beyond yourself, to give even when it hurts, and to love without guarantees. I believe that my kids can handle the trauma of foster care because they come from a place of safety and security, they know that we can do hard things. We will always be looking out for our children, re-evaluating the health of our home, and trusting Jesus to take the next steps.
# 4 - Why don't you just adopt?
We thought about adoption and prayed a lot about that route. Honestly, the price tag was the biggest deterrent, but as we begin to learn more about foster care, the more I felt drawn to this particular pathway. I would love to have more forever children in my home, but I see foster care as this precious space to stand in on behalf of children and families who are broken. I'm not doing this so I can adopt all of these children, I don't even expect to be able to adopt right now. I don't want these mama's who are hurting and broken to feel like I am trying to take their kids. I want to be for families - I believe that whenever possible, families should stay together. I want to love these birth parents, advocate for their family, and care for these kids for as long as that is the plan. I've seen a lot of children in my line of work who were in foster care for a period of time and went back home. For some of them it was a solid reunification, and for others it led to lots of bouncing around. The goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification, until it is not. My heart is to love these kids, give them the care they will need to build skills when they are at home and help them develop positive attachments. None of that is wasted, even if the placement does not end in adoption, none of that time loving a child is wasted.
#5 - So does this mean you are saying 'yes' to anything?
Nope. We have given our agency certain parameters to work with when it comes to placement. For us, we want a baby, so ages 0-2. We don't care about gender or race, but that is something that you could give specifications for. We also asked for a 'basic' child, that means no obvious medical problems or special needs. Also, our plan right now is just to take 1 child. We are being licensed to have 6 children in our home (that means 4 potential foster kids), but we really feel like we need to ease into this one 'yes' at a time. An important part of helping Jeff shake off some of his reservations regarding foster care was setting parameters and agreeing that this is not an open ended 'yes' to all things. It is just the next yes. There will be more phone calls, more kids who need homes, and when the time comes, we will say yes together, or the answer is no.
I think those are the biggest questions that I've gotten so far about foster care. Thank you all for your prayers and support for us as we have started this journey. Foster care takes a village... like an actual village of people, so I'm so grateful to have friends and family who are willing to be certified as respite providers, take CPR classes and keep our own children so that we can do the things we need to do in order to be ready. I'm so excited and eager for this journey to start. Please pray with us for our first placement and stay tuned!
Tuesday, March 13, 2018
The next 'yes'
A year ago, I read a book called 'The Lucky Few' and it spoke such courage and healing to my soul about finding God's best in the hardest places. Read this book... I mean, don't read this book if you don't want to say 'yes' to the hard places, but read this book because the 'yes' is so worth it. We have been praying about the future of our family, whether we should continue to pursue having another biological child, whether we should pursue adoption, whether we should do any of this at all. As we have prayed and cried and sought counsel among our close family and friends, we have felt drawn deeper into God's heart for orphan care. It has ignited my soul in a way that makes me feel alive, excited, eager, and full of hope. In October we submitted our application through a local foster care agency, we have completed our classes, are in the middle of our home study and are checking off the final boxes to be licensed as a foster family.
This hasn't been an easy decision, and most days I feel equally eager and terrified. I'm reading all the books, listening to the podcasts, reading the blogs, revisiting TBRI, trying to be "ready." The truth is that getting the room ready, locking up the medicine (and the laundry detergent), and talking to my kids about why we are choosing this 'yes' right now will not make me ready for the life and/or lives that will be present in our home and in our hearts in the coming months. We have chosen the foster care system instead of private adoption for several reasons, but one important one is because of the brokenness inherent within it. Saying 'yes' means inviting brokenness to come into your home and live alongside and within us. While I won't pretend I don't feel some fear about that, I also feel like it is a sacred and beautiful privilege to care for vulnerable children when they are most in need. I don't know if our placements will end in adoption, that is our hope, but there are no guarantees. We can't be sure of what this will look like, how it will shape our family, or in what form hardships will come, but I am sure that it will hurt - like everything that is worth having.
As we have waded into these waters of fostering to adopt I have prayed so many prayers and I have wrestled with wanting a guarantee from Jesus that it won't shatter me - He didn't give me that. What He did give me, was the peace and courage to say the next 'yes.' Right now that is the dozens of checked boxes on the licensing form saying we have done everything required. Then we wait for the phone calls saying there is a baby in need of a home and we will have an opportunity for the next 'yes.' I can't see what 'yes' will look like to the whole of adoption... so I'm going to take it one step at a time knowing that there will be both 'yes' and 'no' from me and from the Lord as we walk down this road. The ultimate goal here is not to say 'yes' and get to adopt a child. While I would love for that to happen, what I want even more is to leave a legacy of faithfulness for my family - that we have listened to His voice, felt His heart, and we have lived out a thousand 'yes's to Him each day.
I don't know what this journey will hold for us, but I know this:
"I did not cover my face from humiliation and spitting. For the Lord God helps Me, Therefore, I am not disgraced; therefore, I have set my face like flint, and I know that I will not be ashamed." Isaiah 50:6-7. There will be some pain and humiliation in this journey, but it is not disgrace and I believe God gifts us mothers will the steel required to set our face like flint and fight on behalf of our children. I also believe that God's strength does not disappoint - "Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and he has made my feet like the hind's feet, and makes me walk on my high places." Habakkuk3:17-19. I expect that at times this will look a little (or a lot) like failure, and it will be easy to wonder, 'Where's all the fruit?! I did all this work! Where is it?' May I remember that saying 'yes' does not mean I will get what I think is being asked of me, but rather it is trusting God's good, Father heart and rejoicing in Him even when it feels like failure because He is working together a masterpiece in the lives of many and I'm only getting a glimpse of it from my own perspective.
We have heard God's heart for orphans in our community, and God bless my sweet husband - we are saying 'yes.'
This hasn't been an easy decision, and most days I feel equally eager and terrified. I'm reading all the books, listening to the podcasts, reading the blogs, revisiting TBRI, trying to be "ready." The truth is that getting the room ready, locking up the medicine (and the laundry detergent), and talking to my kids about why we are choosing this 'yes' right now will not make me ready for the life and/or lives that will be present in our home and in our hearts in the coming months. We have chosen the foster care system instead of private adoption for several reasons, but one important one is because of the brokenness inherent within it. Saying 'yes' means inviting brokenness to come into your home and live alongside and within us. While I won't pretend I don't feel some fear about that, I also feel like it is a sacred and beautiful privilege to care for vulnerable children when they are most in need. I don't know if our placements will end in adoption, that is our hope, but there are no guarantees. We can't be sure of what this will look like, how it will shape our family, or in what form hardships will come, but I am sure that it will hurt - like everything that is worth having.
As we have waded into these waters of fostering to adopt I have prayed so many prayers and I have wrestled with wanting a guarantee from Jesus that it won't shatter me - He didn't give me that. What He did give me, was the peace and courage to say the next 'yes.' Right now that is the dozens of checked boxes on the licensing form saying we have done everything required. Then we wait for the phone calls saying there is a baby in need of a home and we will have an opportunity for the next 'yes.' I can't see what 'yes' will look like to the whole of adoption... so I'm going to take it one step at a time knowing that there will be both 'yes' and 'no' from me and from the Lord as we walk down this road. The ultimate goal here is not to say 'yes' and get to adopt a child. While I would love for that to happen, what I want even more is to leave a legacy of faithfulness for my family - that we have listened to His voice, felt His heart, and we have lived out a thousand 'yes's to Him each day.
I don't know what this journey will hold for us, but I know this:
"I did not cover my face from humiliation and spitting. For the Lord God helps Me, Therefore, I am not disgraced; therefore, I have set my face like flint, and I know that I will not be ashamed." Isaiah 50:6-7. There will be some pain and humiliation in this journey, but it is not disgrace and I believe God gifts us mothers will the steel required to set our face like flint and fight on behalf of our children. I also believe that God's strength does not disappoint - "Though the fig tree should not blossom and there be no fruit on the vines, though the yield of the olive should fail and the fields produce no food, though the flock should be cut off from the fold and there be no cattle in the stalls, yet I will exult in the Lord, I will rejoice in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength, and he has made my feet like the hind's feet, and makes me walk on my high places." Habakkuk3:17-19. I expect that at times this will look a little (or a lot) like failure, and it will be easy to wonder, 'Where's all the fruit?! I did all this work! Where is it?' May I remember that saying 'yes' does not mean I will get what I think is being asked of me, but rather it is trusting God's good, Father heart and rejoicing in Him even when it feels like failure because He is working together a masterpiece in the lives of many and I'm only getting a glimpse of it from my own perspective.
We have heard God's heart for orphans in our community, and God bless my sweet husband - we are saying 'yes.'
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