It is strange that "How are you?" suddenly feels like an impossible question. Most of the time I give some kind of dismissive answer, but lately even when people I know I can tell the truth to ask me I can't seem to formulate an answer. Being someone who is typically overly self-aware, it feels strange to feel so disconnected from myself. Even if I had answers to this question, it still feels impossible to find one that fits. Mostly because I have moments of time where life feels 'normal' and I don't feel immense pain and then out of the blue the loss surfaces and suddenly I am in tears or choking back raw pain and hurt. I have spent 6 months of the last year pregnant.... and yet there is no baby. I can't help but remember Christmas last year - I was pregnant, and thinking about the four month old baby we would have to celebrate Christmas with this year - I remember what it felt like packing up the Christmas decorations shortly after that miscarriage. Unpacking them this year shortly after another miscarriage felt like a terrible tradition. I have times where I feel the joy I used to about the Christmas season, but right under the surface is a wave of pain that we are not picking out presents for the boy or girl we would have found out about by now.
I have all sorts of impossible questions for God about 'where is the good?' and 'what about satisfying the desires of my heart?'. But, the truth is that I know the TRUTH, I know who God is - I don't know what He's doing, but I know who He is.... and that doesn't always make it feel better.
I think I rushed myself last time to find a somewhat superficial place of trusting God and belief in his goodness. I didn't want to feel terrible anymore, so I recited the verses that made me feel better and moved forward. That's not enough for me anymore. I am allowing myself to struggle with God, believing that no matter what I ask him, no matter how dark my heart feels - He can handle it and He will not withdraw his hand. It is not enough for me to 'fake it till you make it', to recite glib truths about God working all things together for good, or pretend like believing hard enough will change my circumstances.
I don't mean to sound cynical or like I don't ultimately trust God - but I think for me, I need the struggle, to wrestle with Him over these things instead of pretending to be somewhere that I am not. I know many of these questions will remain unanswered... but I really believe this time of wrestling and pain is going to produce a faith that can withstand dead children, suffering, and hope that truly doesn't disappoint - even if I don't get what I want. When I look at the life of Jesus, I am reminded that He was in the business of meeting people in impossible places and doing impossible things, right? In many ways that gives me encouragement to keep asking impossible questions, keep pressing on in this impossible situation, and keep telling Him the truth.