Suffering sucks… no one wants to see loved ones hurt or go through trials. We want to make the pain go away and we want everything to be okay. But here’s the truth… when you endure a great loss, when you go through something earth shattering, you will pick up the pieces and by the grace of God you will put them back together – but you will never be the same. I will never be the same. I will never again become pregnant and feel immediately happy. I may never hear about a friend’s pregnancy and immediately feel joy. I will never have my dream of family fulfilled the way I wanted it to be or thought it would be. It will not be the same. After my second pregnancy and miscarriage, moving on for me was putting hope in having a healthy baby, hoping that this would never happen again, hoping there would be a happy ending.
By now, I am so over happy endings. Even if I got pregnant tomorrow and had a baby 9 months from now, it wouldn’t undo this last year. The place I am moving to is a place of experiencing that God is enough. Honestly, as much as I desired to live for Jesus I don’t know that you can come to this place of open hands and acceptance of whatever God gives until you HAVE to. I don’t think I could will this, a true "I surrender all” kind of heart attitude unless all my options were stripped away and every other alternative was terrible. I’m not saying I trust God because I “have” to. I make that choice daily, but I am saying that maybe we don’t come to a place of truly opening our hands and loosening our grip on our own desires until we have to.
I don’t believe that God has promised me any more children. I don’t believe that if I tried hard enough to believe that God would then give me what I want. I don’t believe that getting pregnant again means that everything will be okay. But I do believe that no matter what happens, no matter how many times we endure tragedy or loss, no matter how deep the pain or the hurt – God will be enough. It won’t make it go away or make me “feel better” all the time, but he will be enough. How else do you TRULY know that God will be enough until everything else is taken from you and yet He remains? I asked a trusted friend recently about whether it was enough for me to feel like trust in God at this point, is to believe that no matter what terrible thing happens, I won’t be broken forever and God’s grace will be enough. She wisely said that for right now, it is enough – the trust in God that feels like confidence, the belief that his will is perfect - it will come, but right now it is enough just to know that I won’t break.
I feel a lot of pressure, some I’m sure is self-imposed, to feel better, to be normal, to move on. And I am getting better, I am slowly venturing out into ‘normal’ territory that isn’t work related, I am moving through the grief process of accepting my loss and letting go of trying to control something I have no control over. But, I feel this sense that many things will never be the same for me, there is a depth to my soul that didn’t exist before this pain ripped that space open. Many people have reached out to me in so many kind ways and have tried to be so understanding. I truly am grateful and really can appreciate how you don’t really know what it is like to walk this road until you have to. I think one of the best things people have done for me is to let me be where I am without trying to fix it or make it better. Those who have also lost children in the womb have been so gracious to recognize my baby – a boy – and the tremendous pain that comes from knowing you will never get to rock him to sleep, fix his dinner, or watch him play with his brother. I miss him so much.
Despite the pain, the heartbreak, the uncertainty…. I am certain that God will be enough. Enough to help me find joy throughout Christmas, enough as friends and family bring their own babies into the world, enough as we move forward waiting on God to show us the next step. This journey is messy and I know some days and events will be harder than others, but He loves me so much. God loves my family so much – and my circumstances do not change that. It is enough right now to know that He loves me, that He is good, and that His vision is perfect – even when I can’t see it.