Life has continued to unfold in full force as it always does, without regard for personal circumstances or feelings. I get the feeling I am supposed to write about something else, 'move on' from thoughts of loss or what could have been. And I will write about other things and be ready to share my heart about other things - but right now, I am still here. Not in the same place physically, emotionally, or spiritually that I was 5 months ago, but when I look into my heart, right under the surface there is still pain and disappointment and loss.
I spent some time tonight packing up and organizing things that have been in the 'baby closet' for quite a while now. I am not sure what compelled me to do it, other than the sense that I was ready. As I was sorting and organizing, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of - I couldn't help but think about how I could be doing this same thing except unpacking instead of packing. I have struggled with my share of disappointment and just plain grief over the last few months, but mostly I have felt peace and joy - and in my better days, hope.
I was praying a few weeks ago and talking to God about my 'plans' and how I thought things would unfold for our family. While I feel like I've been able to release a lot of the need to understand or get answers to why, I realized I was still holding on to some bitterness about the ways my 'plans' were ruined. I felt God gently whisper, 'What if it is really true that I am God and you are not?' Obviously, I confess that to be true, but the attitude of my heart was that God's plans had screwed mine up and mine were better - far better.
Something I struggle with is this notion that somehow our family dynamics are going to be inextricably altered because we didn't our couldn't 'plan' our family with children all two years apart. Every time someone asks me "How old is he?" "Three and a half! Wow, aren't you ready for another?!" I feel this guilt that somehow I messed everything up and our family is ruined. I don't really believe this, but sometimes I really do feel genuinely concerned about it.... And on my better days, I remember that God is God and I am not. I was thinking about this reminder today and how 10 years ago I had just finished my freshman year at Baylor and was preparing to board a plane to Turkey for the summer. That summer changed my life and I could never have predicted all that would unfold over the next 10 years. It certainly wasn't my plan at the time. God is God and I am not.
If it is true that God is God and I am not, then it means that I can release my worry, fear, expectation and efforts to control. I can receive His grace for each day and rest in his provision even when I can't see the 10 year plan - or even the 1 year plan. I don't think it means I shouldn't have dreams, goals, or work towards something, but I think it means that when everything falls apart or when things don't go as planned instead of being bitter, angry, or blaming, I can reach out for God's outstretched hand, take hold, and follow - because wherever He is leading, that is where I want to be, even if is away from my best laid 'plans'. So, onward we go, forward, following, trusting, believing because He is God and I am not.