Something out of me

This song came on the other day and captured where my heart is at this moment.  These are the lyrics:

"Something Out Of Me" by: Nichole Nordeman

Just You and me on a hillside 
And 4,999 
If You could see on the inside 
What I brought, what I need, how I’m caught in between

You lifted bread to the blue sky 
They said they watched it just multiply 
But in the back of a long line 
Oh, I want to believe there’s enough left for me

Cause by now it really shoulda been long gone
And somehow it keeps going on and on 
On and on an on ‘cause

You take all kinds of nothing 
Turn it right in to something 
I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 
A little bit of this sounds crazy 
A little bit of just maybe 
You take every doubt and 
You make something out of me

It’s not the story that moves me 
It’s not that I don’t believe You could 
It’s just my heart is so hungry
Is there enough to fill me up 
Or will You run out of love

You take all kinds of nothing 
Turn it right in to something 
I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 
A little bit of this sounds crazy 
A little bit of just maybe 
You take every doubt and 
You make something out of me
Something out of me

By now Your love could have been long gone 
But somehow it keeps going on and on 
And...

You take all kinds of nothing 
Turn it right in to something 
I see impossible, but You see a basket full of 
A little bit of this sounds crazy 
A little bit of just maybe 
You take every doubt and 
You make something out of me
Something out of me

I have struggled with feeling like there is not enough, or that maybe there is just enough, but not any more than that.  Like God's blessing may have run out in my life and now there will be crumbs or morsels here and there, but the abundance is over.  I love this story in song about when Jesus fed 5,000 on the hillside.   I can imagine what it must have felt like to be there - you are hungry and thirsty and eager to get your share.  Sure, this Jesus guy seems legit - but can he give me what I need right now, will there be enough for me?  I bet there were some on that hillside that felt a similar desperation to what I feel now - the grasping, the striving, the feeling that time is running out and you aren't going to get your share.  Not only did everyone get what they needed, but there were LEFT OVERS!  Jesus didn't just give enough- he could have done that. Produced exactly what would be consumed, but He didn't; He gave more and gave abundantly.  I think our culture especially, perpetuates this lie of scarcity.  That there will not be enough, so you must get there first and get the most.  It isn't that way with Jesus - He doesn't run out and the well never runs dry.  There will be enough, it may not always feel like abundance or provide the feeling of fullness that I expected, but it will be enough.... And then the next day there will be more and it will be enough.  

I am learning to take a deep breath, shake off the lies of the enemy about scarcity and really look at what is in front of me.  When I can really look, and see with eyes that are ready to see - I see the goodness of God all around me and my family.  I would argue that it could be better - but, I am not God and I cannot see what He sees.  All I can do is choose to see goodness in what is in front of me and some days that will be easier than others.  I am also learning that in those moments of truly seeing, I am able to experience some measure of joy.  I have felt joy and happiness again and been grateful for those moments.  Someone wise told me recently - that those moments of joy, those are the most that we get.  We need to be able to see, experience and appreciate that moment of joy because it will end, but there will be another one nearby.  I think we put so much emphasis on happiness and even in Christian circles, this experience of joy that we assume everyone is walking around feeling joyful or happy most of the time.  I know I have felt this pressure to manufacture some of kind of joy because the Bible is always talking about rejoicing and so walking with Jesus must mean that I should feel like that.  But, the truth is, if you really look at the people who followed Jesus in the Bible - they suffered - a lot - and called it suffering.  Maybe that is why they were always talking about joy because when life is hard and circumstances bleak, we need to be intentional not about creating joy, but recognizing the things around us that still produce joy in our hearts.  I have learned that when your heart is full of sorrow, there is still room for joy - and you actually recognize it and feel it in a way that you can't when your heart is not broken.  I don't have any more answers this week than I did last week, but I am believing, like with true belief, that God is making something out of me that wasn't there before the life of Levi.  I want to be a woman who pours out abundance to others because of the abundance I have received.  I want to believe that I don't have to cling so tightly to what is 'mine' because I know that there is more than enough for everyone.

Nothing is Wasted

Jason Gray - Nothing Is Wasted (Official Lyric Video) from jason-gray on GodTube.
I've heard this great song on the radio several times over the last few weeks and it has really been an anthem for me.
I highly recommend the above video - but if you don't have time for that - below are the lyrics.

 "Nothing Is Wasted"
 The hurt that broke your heart
And left you trembling in the dark
Feeling lost and alone
Will tell you hope's a lie
But what if every tear you cry
Will seed the ground where joy will grow
 And nothing is wasted
 Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
 Nothing is wasted
 It's from the deepest wounds
That beauty finds a place to bloom
And you will see before the end
That every broken piece is
Gathered in the heart of Jesus
And what's lost will be found again
 Nothing is wasted
Nothing is wasted
In the hands of our Redeemer
Nothing is wasted
 From the ruins
 From the ashes
Beauty will rise
From the wreckage
From the darkness
Glory will shine
Glory will shine

In light of everything that has unfolded this week, and my own personal struggle, I thought I would share this.  I  had the privileged recently of working with a couple clients at the counseling center who were facing bereavement issues over their own personal losses. 
I've read about the stages of grief and heard various counseling theories about coping with grief, but sitting with other people in their pain and letting it be okay, somehow helped me accept my own.

I don't know what stage of grief I am in -  I don't really care.  Because I don't think it ends after stage 5.  I don't think that it gets packaged up and 'dealt with' enough to put it away so that you won't feel it anymore.  This week I have struggled with my own grief, but God gave me this beautiful vision of Himself 'working all things together for my good.'  God was sewing together this giant tapestry with pieces making up my life - joyful and painful pieces all together - creating this beautiful masterpiece that he lovingly wrapped around me like a blanket of peace and comfort. 

Nothing is wasted.  Shattered dreams are not wasted, acts of terrorism are not wasted, terrible accidents are not wasted, death is not wasted.  Because we have a Redeemer, we have a Father who lovingly and miraculously makes beauty from pain.  August 5th will come soon - and even though there won't be a baby - I find myself grateful for God's kindness, because that very day will be baby Mary's 1st birthday.  She is the daughter of my dear friends who are in Taiwan right now waiting to bring her home.  I have prayed for Mary for so many years now that my heart is full of joy for her and for her parents - so it will be a day of rejoicing, even if there is pain, I know it will not be wasted.