FAQ - foster care edition

For those of you who have been following our family, you know that we initially submitted our application to be foster parents back in October.  We have completed months of classes, our home study, home inspections, and all. the. paperwork!  We are still waiting for the state to push the 'approve' button to be officially opened, but I'm expecting that to happen very soon. 

I thought it might be helpful to address some of the common questions/concerns about foster care that I have heard as we have been working towards becoming a foster home.  I love to dialogue about foster care, so if there are questions that I have not addressed, please feel free to ask me!

# 1 - Why would you do this?  Isn't life hard enough?
  I think maybe the biggest misconception about foster parents is that they are either super-human or they are in it for the wrong reasons.  Yes, you do get a monthly reimbursement from the state for being a foster home.  While the amount varies based on the type of child and the state, my personal feeling is that the money is very unlikely to cover all of the expenses involved in caring for the child and so I have to believe that most people who are choosing foster care, are doing it to provide a safe and loving home to a child who needs one.  Regarding being super-humans - Nope.  You don't have to be around my family long to determine that we are pretty ordinary.  We try to be intentional about the ways we discipline and care for our children and our marriage, but we are just two parents who work full-time jobs, love our roles as mom and dad, and can't ignore the fact that there are hundreds of children in our city who need safe homes.  We have room in our hearts and room in our home, and while I know it will be hard, I also believe it is going to be really wonderful for all of us.

#2 - I could never do that.  I would get too attached.
I totally understand where this is coming from - I may have even uttered these words myself when I first began thinking about foster care.  The underlying implication here though is that foster parents must in turn be robots who do not experience attachment and love, but are really just mechanical care-givers.  I will get attached to our foster children.  I will love them the way I love my own children.  I will care for them, nurture them, advocate for them, and believe a bright future for them of healing and restoration for their families.  Many of these kids have not yet experienced healthy attachments, so it is absolutely vital that they experience a trusting, loving, attachment to a care-giver.  As someone who has known and experienced deep grief, I know that it will hurt terribly when these children leave our home, but I also know by experience the incredible well of grace that is deeper than the deepest hurt.  I am the adult.  I can love deeply and hurt deeply so that these children get to experience a healing, loving home.

# 3 - What about your kids?  Aren't you worried about how this is going to impact them?
Yes, yep, for sure, absolutely.  I think about my sweet children and worry about them ALL.THE.TIME.  We are not just going to be foster parents, we are going to be a foster family, that means all of us are invested in being a healthy, thriving home for a hurting child.  Foster care is a place of trauma, it is inviting brokenness into your home and saying - "you can stay here, it is safe."  We have had months of conversations about foster care with our children and honestly, there have been tears (from both of us) and it still feels fragile as we don't yet know what it will feel like to do this everyday.  But, I have SO much faith for my family with foster care.  I believe that they are going to see first hand what it looks like to serve, to think beyond yourself, to give even when it hurts, and to love without guarantees.  I believe that my kids can handle the trauma of foster care because they come from a place of safety and security, they know that we can do hard things.  We will always be looking out for our children, re-evaluating the health of our home, and trusting Jesus to take the next steps. 

# 4 - Why don't you just adopt?
We thought about adoption and prayed a lot about that route.  Honestly, the price tag was the biggest deterrent, but as we begin to learn more about foster care, the more I felt drawn to this particular pathway.  I would love to have more forever children in my home, but I see foster care as this precious space to stand in on behalf of children and families who are broken.  I'm not doing this so I can adopt all of these children, I don't even expect to be able to adopt right now.  I don't want these mama's who are hurting and broken to feel like I am trying to take their kids.  I want to be for families - I believe that whenever possible, families should stay together.  I want to love these birth parents, advocate for their family, and care for these kids for as long as that is the plan.  I've seen a lot of children in my line of work who were in foster care for a period of time and went back home.  For some of them it was a solid reunification, and for others it led to lots of bouncing around.  The goal of foster care is ALWAYS reunification, until it is not.  My heart is to love these kids, give them the care they will need to build skills when they are at home and help them develop positive attachments.  None of that is wasted, even if the placement does not end in adoption, none of that time loving a child is wasted.

#5 - So does this mean you are saying 'yes' to anything?
Nope.  We have given our agency certain parameters to work with when it comes to placement.  For us, we want a baby, so ages 0-2.  We don't care about gender or race, but that is something that you could give specifications for.  We also asked for a 'basic' child, that means no obvious medical problems or special needs.  Also, our plan right now is just to take 1 child.  We are being licensed to have 6 children in our home (that means 4 potential foster kids), but we really feel like we need to ease into this one 'yes' at a time.  An important part of helping Jeff shake off some of his reservations regarding foster care was setting parameters and agreeing that this is not an open ended 'yes' to all things.  It is just the next yes.  There will be more phone calls, more kids who need homes, and when the time comes, we will say yes together, or the answer is no. 

I think those are the biggest questions that I've gotten so far about foster care.  Thank you all for your prayers and support for us as we have started this journey.  Foster care takes a village... like an actual village of people, so I'm so grateful to have friends and family who are willing to be certified as respite providers, take CPR classes and keep our own children so that we can do the things we need to do in order to be ready.  I'm so excited and eager for this journey to start.  Please pray with us for our first placement and stay tuned!

Freedom

I have never liked the idea that grief is a linear progression, it is often portrayed that way even in counseling classes.  It makes it seem as if the stages are progressive and have a definite beginning and ending.  That certainly has not been my experience of grief.  I saw this graphic representation of grief recently that I found helpful.

It feels more like this tangled knot where so many of these feelings are overlapping and some so close to the surface while others are buried deep inside.  I don't know that I will ever look back at this time in my life and call it "good".  But, I can say that were I am right now emotionally, spiritually, and mentally is a much more healthy place than where I was 1 year ago.  I owe that in large part to Jesus, but also to our sweet baby Ethan.  That is what we decided we would have named him and what we call him now when we talk about him.  I didn't like to think about him honestly, I had these images in my head of him unmoving on the ultrasound right before he left me that I can't erase and that kept me up at night for weeks following our loss.  It has been recent, that I have been able to think about him and talk about him as our gift from God to show us how to love greater than our fear, to be grateful for each moment because time is short, and to experience the steadying/anchor love of Christ through the most intense storms of life.

Ethan means solid, enduring, strong, firm.  I can't think of a better name for a child who taught me what it truly means to have Christ as an anchor to my soul.  We have completed all medical testing, seen all the necessary doctors and the answers remain that there is no answer.  No medical reason that explains our losses - everything appears to be perfectly normal.  There is no guarantee that this won't happen again, no preventative measures to be taken, no course of treatment to improve our odds.  Despite the 'positive' report from the doctors, I know that I can't put my hope in having a baby.  My hope has to be in the love of God towards my family, the justice that belongs to God alone, and the fullness of Christ He has promised to those that seek him.

See, life isn't fair - I see it everyday in the children who were born addicted to drugs and struggle in school, in the young mother of 3 boys who has terminal cancer and is told "there's nothing more we can do."  Everyone has their own story of grief and disappointment with life.  For most of us there are no answers to "why?" or "how long?".  In many ways, walking this road has brought me freedom - I don't have to be afraid.  Even as we look into an uncertain future, I don't have to fear what will be because I know from experience that no matter what happens, no matter how dark it feels, no matter how terrible the suffering - God will find me there and He will be good.  As many verses in scripture state, "The Lord is on my side; I will not fear, what can man do to me?" Psalm 118:6, "What then, shall we say to these things?  If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:31.  "Fear not, for I am with you,  do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness."  Isaiah 41:10.

It is because of Ethan that I got to experience a love greater than my fear and even when my fear became reality, God didn't let go of me and continued to show me His mercy and transforming kindness.  How can I resent that?  How can I curse that?  I couldn't choose it - but I can embrace it and allow Ethan's brief life to continue to give life to me and be thankful for the ways it has made me a more compassionate friend, a more attentive mother, a more grateful spouse and a more graceful servant of Christ.  I never considered suffering loss to be a road to freedom, but maybe it is, maybe it is the way to be free from fear, free from all that is insignificant and meaningless, and free to truly live without regrets.

I now picture my sweet baby up in Heaven, keeping his siblings  and great grandparents company and reminding me to live each day fully, on purpose, and without fear.  Perhaps the greatest burdens are also our deepest blessings.

Motherhood

Becoming a mother has changed me, in some ways the change seemed immediate, in others it has happened gradually. H and I just returned from spending 5 days visiting Papa Bill & Jo Jo in Louisiana. We had such a good time and got lots of quality bonding time together. It was my first time to travel alone with H and I was so proud of him. He did such a good job and on every flight we were on someone would stop me and tell me what a sweet boy he was or how he did such a good job. Everyone we sat next to H tried to share his snacks with and gave them stickers and toys to play with. People are always telling me how beautiful H is and are so charmed when he just talks and talks to them. I was thinking over this trip about all of the things that I used to inwardly cringe at before becoming a Mommy... things like never getting to eat or drink anything without a child appearing and wanting whatever you had, kids waking up before dawn and running around the house screaming, not being able to complete a task without some kind of interruption, toddlers crawling all over you and being your constant shadow, stinky diapers and projectile vomit, the list could continue, but I think you get the idea. Not that I always gracefully embrace all of these things now, but I certainly don't cringe the way I did before becoming Mommy.

At night in Louisiana H and I would cuddle in bed together and I would sing songs of Truth to him until he fell asleep. I couldn't help thinking about our Heavenly Father and the pride and joy He feels when we want to draw close to Him and let Him sing over us His peace, hope for our futures and His unending love. Being H's Mommy has helped me to grasp just a little bit of what it means to love unconditionally. It has also helped me to embrace life's joys and sorrows knowing that I cannot control the outcomes of either. It has changed my relationship with God in that I have put away some of my 'performance anxiety' trying to earn approval and love. H and I can have a terrible day where everything seems to go wrong and I'm totally frustrated, but I don't love him any less on those days than I do on the days where everything goes according to schedule. How much more perfect is God's love towards His children? It does not waver or fluctuate depending on how much we are trusting Him or the number of good deeds we have accomplished. It just is - now that is a miracle.

A few weeks ago I posted about baby James and his battle with a cancerous brain tumor. I have continued to follow his progress and have not stopped thinking about this family and praying urgently for them. I even dreamt about little James last night. James's tumor has come back full force and yesterday his parents took him home under the care of hospice to spend their final days or weeks showing him just how much they love him. I have cried many tears for this family and have cradled H longer, kissed him more and told God how grateful I am for every single day that I get to be H's mommy. I think part of why this has been so emotional for me is that H is just one year older than little James. It could just as easily be H fighting this battle. Our children are gifts given to us by God, they are not possessions to hoard, lives to control, or even promises of bright futures. They are blessings from the Father and He can use them to pour out his blessing in whatever way He chooses.

So, embrace your children today. Embrace your Mommy or Daddy journey wherever it has led you. Embrace the Heavenly Father who is the giver of all good and perfect gifts. Pray, pray for the Sikes family as they care for little James. Pray for all of the Mommies and Daddies who are struggling to care for their children, struggling to conceive children, and those fighting alongside their sick children. And let us give thanks to God.