Choices

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Somewhere along the way, approximately four years ago when the journey to grow our family began, this blog quit being a place where I would post family pictures, stories and updates and began serving as a window into the pain that was ripping apart my soul.  I still rarely post about all the good things that are happening and tend to come here mostly to unload the burden of my heart.  I have learned in my suffering, that even if no one else hears it, my pain needs a voice – it needs to flow forth from my heart onto a page. 

This time around I can’t seem to find my voice, and even when I do find it, I can’t authentically speak the truth that my heart knows.  I am grateful for the prayer warriors that I know continue to speak truth over my life right now – sometimes we all need a voice when we cannot trust our own.  Having walked this road before, I expected that I would have the road map; I would know where we are going and have the tools to get there.  I don’t.  It is strange to go back and read my words about grief and what it felt like at that time.  Many of the same feelings are there and it does bring me some comfort to remember that I can do hard things and that God will ALWAYS meet me there, no matter how dark or how painful, darkness and light are the same to Him (Psalm 139:12).  This loss was startling in so many ways.  I will never understand how a strong heartbeat turns into no heartbeat in a matter of hours.  Even as initial pathology reports return indicating nothing abnormal - there is nothing normal about losing three babies in less than four years.  I want so badly to be able to point to something and say "It is this, this is what went wrong."  Because if I can say that then maybe there is a way to fix this, some measure of preventative strategy to be taken.  Even though there are more tests to be done, more doctors to see - I don't expect that we will find any medical explanation for why we are facing this reality.

I am realizing again that part of me has believed the lie that is so prominent in our culture.  We can do anything, be anything, achieve anything.  If we work hard enough, give enough, sacrifice enough, desire it enough, if we are good enough - we will earn it, we can do it.  The truth doesn't look like that however; the truth is that we can do all the right things, make the right choices, work our hardest, and we can still fail to achieve the outcome we so deeply desire.  As a 'fixer' by nature, that is maybe one of the hardest things for me to surrender - I cannot earn my way out of this or work hard enough to prevent this kind of pain from happening.  It seems that at this juncture, I am left with few choices.  I can't control the future of my family, but I sense that these next steps that I am taking are on holy ground and will shape the future of my family.  I can choose to surrender to the bitterness of my soul, to let the injustice and agony define who I will become.  I can choose to put on a brave face and stuff the pain away while I recite scripture about how God is good to us all the time.  But neither of those responses honor the life or death of my Levi.  That means the only choice I am left with is to choose to face the pain as it comes, to not run away, but feel its full intensity and stay present - to choose love.  The song that keeps resounding in my heart in these moments is the hymn, 'O love that will not let me go.'

O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in thee;
I give thee back the life I owe,
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be.

This is the love that can heal and can fill the giant emptiness that I feel inside my soul.  Somehow there is always enough, enough grace, enough strength, enough love, enough comfort.  Levi deserves the best of me, all of my earthly and heavenly babies do.  So I will keep showing up, I will keep bringing my pain and emptiness, and uttering the only words I can say right now, "Jesus, help."  I don't want this story and everything in me wants to run away from here, but that is not love.  Love holds on, it wrestles, it turns black and blue and breaks apart sometimes.   But love always wins, it always beats the darkness, always overcomes the enemy, always fulfills its purpose - love never fails.  I can choose today, as many times as needed, to believe there is hope and to love greater than my fear.   To say like Job, "Though He slay me, I will hope in Him."  Job 13:15

My love

I used to be a crazy journaler.  I loved each new journal with its blank pages and endless possibilities.  I still journal, only now it like monthly instead of daily.  Something I love about intimately chronicling the 18-25 period of my life is that I can go back and see myself unfolding and figuring out who I am and who God created me to be.  It was a beautiful mess - that is for sure! 

I was going through some old books this week and came across my journal from the year after I graduated from college when Jeff and I had just started rekindling our romance.  After 5 1/2 years of marriage, it can be easy to forget all of those things that made you fall in love. Especially when this was a love that began when I was only 16, but became a very different love when I fell in love with him again at age 23.

Here are some glimpses of that love back in 2007 (the year we got married).

March: "Good time praying this morning - Thanks Lord!  Man, I have had that soaring, 'I'm in love!' feeling all day today and yet it feels so different from my experiences in the past.  It was good tonight to feel like - I love Jeff, not some future version of him, not because of anything he does - I am just full of love for him that isn't contingent on anything he says or does."

April: "It has been really good with Jeff - I love him.  He is wonderful and is going to be such a great dad and husband someday.  All weekend I've felt like, I really hope that he's mine, but I don't want to get too attached to hat idea.  Man, I'm way too selfish to have kids right now.  I want to be the center of his attention way too much to want his world to revolve around others all the time... maybe I need to work on getting over that."

May: Who is Jeff?

He's the kind of guy that still writes thank you notes for every gift that he receives.
He will always open your door if you are female.
He is easy to love and loves others easily.
He is patient and withstanding.
He is fun to play with, but won't let you win (unless he thinks you will stop playing with him)
He's always thinking at least 5 years down the road, but can hold things loosely.
He would do anything for just about anyone - especially, when he loves you.
He is gentle but strong, kind but firm.
He can't finish his stories sometimes because he laughs at himself in the middle.
He is subtle when correcting and can receive correction (usually).
He seemingly has no internal sense of direction.
He makes friends quickly and will assume the best about people.
He confidently moves forward in whatever God speaks over his life.
He is very considerate of others and how his actions effect them.
He isn't afraid to love deeply and passionately, even if it isn't immediately returned.

Just a few months later we would get engaged,  and then be married by the end of this year.  I love our love story, even the ugly parts... it really is a story of redemption and picture to me of the ways that God can take something that is broken and dirty and ugly and redeem it to be beautiful, life-giving, and clean. 

Here's to you my love, my life.  I still get that 'crazy in love' feeling around you and I was 110% right about you.  I love you!