forward

Life has continued to unfold in full force as it always does, without regard for personal circumstances or feelings.  I get the feeling I am supposed to write about something else, 'move on' from thoughts of loss or what could have been.  And I will write about other things and be ready to share my heart about other things - but right now, I am still here.  Not in the same place physically, emotionally, or spiritually that I was 5 months ago, but when I look into my heart, right under the surface there is still pain and disappointment and loss.

I spent some time tonight packing up and organizing things that have been in the 'baby closet' for quite a while now.  I am not sure what compelled me to do it, other than the sense that I was ready.  As I was sorting and organizing, deciding what to keep and what to get rid of - I couldn't help but think about how I could be doing this same thing except unpacking instead of packing.  I have struggled with my share of disappointment and just plain grief over the last few months, but mostly I have felt peace and joy - and in my better days, hope.

I was praying a few weeks ago and talking to God about my 'plans' and how I thought things would unfold for our family.  While I feel like I've been able to release a lot of the need to understand or get answers to why, I realized I was still holding on to some bitterness about the ways my 'plans' were ruined.  I felt God gently whisper, 'What if it is really true that I am God and you are not?'  Obviously, I confess that to be true, but the attitude of my heart was that God's plans had screwed mine up and mine were better - far better.

Something I struggle with is this notion that somehow our family dynamics are going to be inextricably altered because we didn't our couldn't 'plan' our family with children all two years apart.  Every time someone asks me "How old is he?" "Three and a half!  Wow, aren't you ready for another?!"  I feel this guilt that somehow I messed everything up and our family is ruined.  I don't really believe this, but sometimes I really do feel genuinely concerned about it.... And on my better days, I remember that God is God and I am not.  I was thinking about this reminder today and how 10 years ago I had just finished my freshman year at Baylor and was preparing to board a plane to Turkey for the summer.  That summer changed my life and I could never have predicted all that would unfold over the next 10 years.  It certainly wasn't my plan at the time.  God is God and I am not. 

If it is true that God is God and I am not, then it means that I can release my worry, fear, expectation and efforts to control.  I can receive His grace for each day and rest in his provision even when I can't see the 10 year plan - or even the 1 year plan.  I don't think it means I shouldn't have dreams, goals, or work towards something, but I think it means that when everything falls apart or when things don't go as planned instead of being bitter, angry, or blaming, I can reach out for God's outstretched hand, take hold, and follow - because wherever He is leading, that is where I want to be, even if is away from my best laid 'plans'.  So, onward we go, forward, following, trusting, believing because He is God and I am not.

the blur

That has been the month of August so far. I did manage to take a few pictures... and apparently wear the same clothes repeatedly. The first big event of the month was Jake & Mallory's wedding. H was SO excited. I've never seen the kid dance like that before! running from the camera before we even got a decent picture. Luckily Daddy managed to snap this one. The only time we got him to sit down all night was for chocolate covered marshmallows! We also decided to celebrate our 5 year anniversary this month instead of in December because let's face it... this year is going to be crazy until then! We spent a weekend in Fredricksburg, TX and went on a wine tour. It was really a relaxing, romantic and much needed getaway. I'm already looking forward to 5 years from now when we get to do it again! In other exciting August news, I finally finished the quilt for H's big boy bed that I got the idea for when he was like 6 months old. It has been a work in progress since then. I started cutting up his baby clothes to use as the bunting pieces for the front and the back came together this summer. Having never made a quilt like this, this large, making the binding, and with batting and everything I'm really happy with how it turned out. I just started my final year of grad school this week! I'm excited about this semester and eager to dive in. I started my practicum assignment today and am really looking forward to learning about the daily activity and work of psychologists and counselors. I'm working at the University Counseling Center at Texas A&M University and am really grateful they picked me as their 1 intern this semester! Because I am doing my practicum this year I also had to change jobs because I can only work part time now. I am finishing my last week as the case manager at the high school next week and then will be the Communities in Schools of the Coastal Bend resource development coordinator. I'm excited about this new opportunity, but I'm going to miss those kids SO stinkin' much! This month has been full of changes already, but we're excited about and looking forward to this fall for sure!

What we've been up to

I can't believe my vacation is ending already and I'm heading back to work next week. Boo hoo! We've had such a great time and have had a lot of fun things we've been able to do in spite of my being in summer school all summer. Thanks to pinterest and some other good mom blogs out there I found lots of activities for us to do and it has been really fun! Here's what we've been up to lately We hid the puzzle pieces of H's number puzzle in a tub of rice and beans and practiced putting our numbers in sequence. Once you have done it with them a few times, this is a great keep your kid busy while you need to make dinner activity. I also used the same rice and beans and gave H a bunch of cooking utensils to play with so he could make dinner while I was cooking dinner. I also found these Crayola window crayons at Target and decided to give them a try. They were a big hit and clean up really easily. I highly recommend them! We had a few rainy days so we built a fort under some bar stools and I gave H a flashlight and put all his cars under there with us. When the thunder started we moved this game to our bed and we played under the covers with the flashlight and cars for another 45 minutes! On July 4th we went to the picnic at our Church and H actually stayed up for the fireworks and when we got home we lit some of our wedding sparklers in the backyard. It was a fun day! Once it got really hot we started freezing ice cubes with food coloring everyday to play with outside. H and I went to the teacher supply store one day to look for some things for us to start doing some science projects with. We found some magnets and little magnetic circles. He loves playing with them in water. We found this activity on Pinterest. You dump some baking soda on a piece of paper and put food coloring in little cups of vinegar and use droppers to put it onto the paper and it bubbles up. H and Daddy thought it was pretty cool. We also did some painting with H's cars to see the different kinds of tracks they made. This quickly digressed into this... I'll leave you with this jewel... I've been teaching H to make faces. Being a mom is awesome. We've had some other adventures this summer but the pics are all on my phone. I'll post more after my next picture dump. Grateful for lots of fun with friends and family! It has been an awesome summer!