Processing Pain

I have always been an external processor.  I need things to come out of my heart and my mind in order to think and feel deeply about them.  This past week has been the absolute worst of my life.  It seems impossible and like I must be watching these events unfold in someone else's life - this can't possibly be my story.  But it is.  We will lay our sweet Levi to rest today and to think about it fills me with anguish that is indescribable.  I have so many questions, ones that I know will likely remain unanswered until I am united with my babies and our Creator - I have a feeling that the answers won't matter so much at that point.

I have been spending a lot of time in the Psalms and in Job because God's word promises that it will not return void but will accomplish the purpose for which He sent it and I need something to be successful right now (Isaiah 55:11).  Psalm 56 says "When I am afraid, I will put my trust in You.  In God, whose word I praise, in God I have put my trust; I shall not be afraid.  What can mere man do to me? (vs 3-4).  It goes on to say "You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle.  Are they not in Your book...This I know, that God is for me." (Psalm 56: 8-9).  When I think about that, I think that my bottle must be overflowing, there can't possibly be room for more tears.  I want it to be such that when your bottle has collected all the tears it can hold, you are safe - you can no longer experience great tragedy.  But, I look at the world - at the suffering of those in Haiti, the refugee crisis, and the loss of those close to me and I know that this isn't the case.  Learning to live with sorrow and with loss is part of our human experience because we are fallen and this is not Heaven.

I still feel somewhat frozen in this place.  I am aware that there is a long road ahead that leads to healing; it is full of valleys, some deep, dark caves, impossible hills, and when I look at this road it seems like a journey that I could never survive.  I can't stay here though, I know I must start walking and it will hurt like hell... there are no shortcuts to healing.  As I read the book of Job, a man well acquainted with suffering I am struck by his responses.  He is thought of as a holy man who did not sin and refused to curse God, even when God allowed Satan to afflict him.  "Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?  In all of this Job did not sin with his lips.  Job 2:10"  When Job's friends came to visit him after his children had been killed and after he was stricken with illness, they did not recognize him.  I wonder even without the physical ailments if he would be recognizable.  I feel so unlike myself right now, a little hard to recognize, because that is what great pain does to you.  Job did not sin and did not curse God, yet he carried tremendous pain that altered him to his core.  I don't know what it looks like to worship in the midst of great pain.  I feel like it should look like some kind of peaceful surrender and acceptance, but that is certainly not the state of my heart.  Maybe my act of worship is just to show up, and keep showing up, being present with God in the midst of pain, questions, anger, confusion. 

Job certainly wasn't afraid to express his pain.  "For what I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.  I am not at ease, nor am I quiet, and I am not at rest, but turmoil comes. Job 3:25-26"  "Therefore, I will not restrain my mouth; I will speak the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul.  Job 7:11"  I have learned through my journey of suffering that people will do just about anything to avoid suffering and to watch someone else suffer is painful.  We want it to end, we want to make it better, we want everything to be okay.  But, the truth is - it isn't okay and it will never be okay.  If we are going to experience healing, we have to stop trying to escape pain and we have to be present by being true to the moment and experiencing our feelings as they come and not trying to escape.  For me, that means a battle to stay present, to be wounded, but to stay present with the pain and trust that Jesus will meet me there.  He is well acquainted with suffering and grief.  Our Father knows what it is like to lose a child.  So, I will be brave today and I am so grateful for those friends and family members who are choosing to be brave with me - to sit in the darkness with me, to be present in the pain and not try to make it better.  Thank you all for your prayers and expressions of love for our family, we have felt Jesus carry us and it means so much that Levi's life and his death - they carry an eternal significance.   

Breaking the Silence

The blog went silent a few months ago, in part because I started a new job that keeps me very busy, but also in part because I found out I was pregnant again and felt a little terrified of telling the world.  We made it past the point were I miscarried last time in January (9 weeks), we made it through the first trimester screening (13 weeks) and everything looked perfect.  Baby was fine, heartbeat was strong, no red flags on any testing that was done.  We told Haydn about the baby, we shared the news with friends and co-workers.  We believed in April we would be holding our newest family member... this week, just shy of 17 weeks - everything changed.

I sit in silence - these the only 'words' that can escape.  I still can't believe it, at 16.5 weeks, we lost another baby - "late term missed miscarriage" it is called.  Despite my fear, my worry, my worst nightmares - I really believed that everything would be okay.  Total devastation, shattered hopes, utter agonizing pain - that is what surrounds me.  To have made it to this point and loose this baby we desperately wanted, hoped for, waited for, prayed for, believed God for.  It is a crushing blow - one that I don't think I've even fully absorbed yet.

Somehow, God has been preparing my heart to receive this - bringing me to points of being willing to fully entrust this baby to Him and believing that as much as I love and desire good things for my children - God loves and desires good things for me and my family.  So, where's the good?  I struggle with why it had to happen like this, why bring us this far, why are there no answers for my dead babies?  What about the hundreds, maybe thousands of prayers I prayed specifically for this to NOT happen?  I don't have answers to those questions, right now - maybe I never will.  But God has been reminding me all along that HE is God and I am not.  And who am I to accept blessings from His hand and not also accept burdens and pain? 

Recently, I was reminded about the kind of woman I want to be.  The kind that pours out grace to those in my life because I know all that God has redeemed me from and as a result I live with open hands that receive from Him and pour out in return.  I don't deserve happy endings or easy roadways.  Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful when they come, but God hasn't cheated me when it doesn't turn out that way.  Why?  Because this isn't Eden and it isn't Heaven.  It is the waiting... and the waiting is full of awful, painful reminders of our humanness.  Humanness that reminds us to thank the Lord that this is not eternity.  Heaven is coming, and when it does there will be no more pain, no more tears, no more heartbreak.  And when I get there, there will be three perfectly formed babies waiting for their Mommy and together we will worship the Lord -  forever. But until then, I am here - waiting.

When I first found out I was pregnant I was reading the Bible and came across a verse I wrote down, not knowing it would become the epitome of where I sit today.  "Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us shining on those in darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace.  Luke 1:64-65"  (The Message)

I sit here, in the shadow of death, waiting for the merciful light of God to shine and show me the way one step at a time to His peace.  Please pray with us, we so desperately need it right now as we stand on this precipice of total darkness and despair.  It would be so easy to choose despair instead of hope, fear instead of trust, anger instead of grace, and hearts that are hardened instead of open.  Pray for our sweet 4 year old baby.  I don't know how to shield him from my pain as much this time around.  He grieves in his own way and doesn't understand why the baby had to go to heaven - I don't know either.  He sees our sadness and wants to pretend there is a baby so maybe we will feel better.  It breaks my heart all over again. 

I know somehow the sun will rise, dawn will break in my heart again, and joy will come in the morning - but I still feel so lost right now.  All I can do is breathe in grace, breathe out praise, and repeat.

Internet!!!

We finally got internet at our house, so I will try to be more in the loop now. H had a great first Halloween, he was a little lamb and we went to our church's Noah's Ark Party.




Isn't that the sweetest lamb you've ever seen?!

I can't believe my little H is almost 1 year old! Friday is his first birthday and I'm so excited because my dad and sister are coming to help us celebrate! H is getting pretty good at walking (even though his nickname at day care is 'clumsy'). He has also started to point at things and knows where things go. Yesterday, he was pulling clothes off of his shelves and putting them in the dirty clothes basket. He also took a bath tonight while drinking from his his sippy cup the entire time - he is so funny! It has been such an amazing year and I feel so blessed to get to be H's mom. He is pretty incredible. Enjoy the video below of him playing with Daddy last night. It is pretty much the funniest thing I've ever seen.

He's Walking!

you can see for yourself here

still here

Well... I'd love to post some pictures of the excitement that has been going down - but, I seem to have misplaced my camera cord in the move. So, more motivation to finish unpacking...

We finally moved a couple weeks ago. Pictures to come (hopefully). Jeff has had 1 day off in the last month. We have taken H to the doctor 8 times in the last 6 weeks - looks like we might be doing that again tomorrow. H is now 11 months old... where does the time go? He is taking about 4 steps at a time now and standing by himself for brief periods. He has also mastered 'ma ma', 'da da', 'ba ba' and 'eesh' ... I don't know what essh is though?

We also don't have internet yet... but hopefully before his birthday we will be back up and running! Happy Saturday!

Funny Hunny

Here's some pictures of H we took this weekend. He's developing such a fun personality! He is so funny to watch. He loves to examine things and figure out how to take them apart. He also loves to climb on people (and other children) and cuddle. He loves being chased and playing outside.







And here's a video I took tonight of him playing and talking. I sure love my funny hunny

my little jumping bean

H has learned how to cruise from one piece of furniture to another, taking a a couple steps in between....everyone keeps telling me he is going to be walking in no time - yikes! His new favorite thing to do however, is jump! He can't keep his balance yet, but with me supporting his weight he can jump and jump and jump, until my arms get tired! Below is a video of the action.


H has been sick for the last couple weeks. He is finally on the up and up - after 2 doctor's appointments and finally a prescription, he seems to be mostly back to normal. He will be starting a new day care tomorrow, so please pray for him and his transition! Jeff has been enjoying his job, just working lots of long hours and not getting too many days off.

I'm getting adjusted to working full time and really enjoying my job. It has been really amazing and humbling to have the opportunity to work with dozens of homeless individuals in the community. I have heard so many stories from grieving husbands, young mothers, children who ran away from home and never got back on their feet, people who were injured and lost their jobs and on and on. So many people who never thought they would find themselves in this place and feel so defeated and unable to get out of it. I'm helping move some clients into an apartment this week and I'm so excited about it! I really love my job and love the work I'm doing.

I will try to take some more recent pictures of H. I've totally started slacking on my mom picture taking duty.

crawling in the dishwasher

not only has H managed to crawl ALL the way up the stairs by himself (don't worry he was being closely supervised) but he is now crawling his way onto and into the furniture and appliances! Here's a video from this weekend of H crawling into the dishwasher. The angle is way too close on this one, but I was trying to take the video and hold on to him at the same time. He hasn't learned yet not to dive head first off of things.

New Video!

I hear you, I hear you. You want more videos of the cutest baby ever. So, here you go. Here is H playing with the camera. He even shows you a glimpse of his new teeth! He is crawling all over the place and has even started crawling up the stairs... time to get a gate!



I'll try to get some more pics up this week. Jeff starts his job tomorrow and H starts daycare in the mornings! Yikes! I'm sure he will do great, I'll be the one crying all the way to work.

Hilarious video

we got this great video of H laughing hysterically at a ball rolling back and forth. I could watch this 1000 times. It will totally cheer you up, check it out

Playful Day

We took some cute pics of H playing today. He has been really playful lately and it is so fun to watch him have so much fun. I will post a video soon of him laughing hysterically at a ball rolling back and forth. haha!


H in his new big boy shoes! I can't believe how big his feet are! These are 5.5 and they are NOT too big... oh my.


Eating his new favorite snack. They are called Crunchies. They make him smell like cheetos.



Playing in his saucer. He LOVES it so much right now. Thanks Aunt Elyse & Uncle Stephen!


Can you believe how cute these jammies are?

It was a great day with my boys before I start my new job tomorrow. Praying for a smooth transition this week!

He Crawls!

Here is a video I took today of H crawling! He is quite the mover these days. Today he crawled under the dining room table, over to my make up bag where he dumped it out, and then he crawled over to his bag of dirty diapers and tried to take them out ... ewww. It is fun to see how determined he is and how much he loves to be able to get what it is that he wants.



Enjoy Papa Bill & JoJo and Aunt Elyse & Uncle Stephen. Notice H is wearing his Aunt shirt and his red shorts for you both. Aunt Amy, H is sleeping with this spot dog every night now - he loves it!

Puff the magic cereal like substance

H has a new favorite food, Puffs

These magical little cereal puffs are a somewhat nutritious finger food that dissolve quickly in their mouths so they can feed themselves. H doesn't quite have the fine motor skills to feed himself yet, he can pick these up with his palm but rarely does he make it to his mouth. Anyway, he could eat these things all day long if we let him. I saw a movie trailer for a new Katherine Heigl movie coming out this summer about a baby that looks hilarious (the movie not the baby). Watch it below and notice the part where the guy pours the mountain of puffs in front of the baby and her face lights up - because it is so true!


Here are some pics of H eating his puffs yesterday

Happy Half Birthday

Today is H's half birthday! I can't believe he is 6 months old already! To celebrate he wore his m&m socks from grandma... well, he wore them for about 10 minutes before he figured out how to pull them off.

I'm a big kid now

I didn't expect this transition to happen so fast...seemingly overnight almost, from a happy, little baby to an opinionated, LOUD, big boy. Yesterday, he started refusing his bottle. He has been eating cereal but we've been holding off on other baby foods until his 6 month appointment (this Thursday) to get the go ahead from the pediatrician to start him on solid foods. Well, not only has he quit taking a bottle, but he only wants what we are eating and has started to scream when he wants something or doesn't want something. So, we started baby food a few days early and he is now drinking out of a sippy cup! When did my little baby get to be such a big boy?


Here he is 'eating' an apple slice. Not pictured: him screaming every time he dropped it.


First baby food! Can you guess what it is? He REALLY liked it!

Big boy chair

H is getting so big. He just graduated from his baby bouncy seat to his big boy highchair. His grandparents got him this chair for Christmas and I can't believe he is ready to sit in it already! I think he had fun though!

big crib

We are getting ready to transition H out of our room and into his own room. This also means transitioning him from his cradle to his big crib. We have been putting him in his crib every day so that he can get used to spending some time in there. My mom picked out the cute bedding for it and got all of the stuffed animals. There are some special pics at the end of H with his blue puppy from Aunt Amy. He loves to cuddle with that doggie!

Little giggles

H is usually the most happy and chatty when he first wakes up in the morning and right before bath time. He is so his father's son when it comes to being chatty in the morning, it takes at least 5 oz of coffee before I can talk to anyone. Here is H before bath time laughing with daddy. I had to run downstairs to get the camera so I missed the best giggles, but you can still hear him trying to laugh. He just started laughing like this a couple weeks ago and only does it before his bath. I love it so much! It is so cute to hear him experiment with laughing. He still scares himself sometimes with his own voice.

Bumbo

H has been doing such a good job of sitting up lately, so we decided to try out his new Bumbo seat today. He seems to really like it... well, at least for a while. He is still getting used to this new perspective of the world.


ooops, eyes closed... let's try again


There we go!


I saw this picture and thought... 'woah, he looks just like me!'

Sweet faces

This has been a really fun stage with H recently. He smiles when we come to pick him up and loves to 'talk' to us. Here are some cute pictures Jeff took today.






This was during H's kick my blanket off game. He kept kicking it off and then smiling really big when we could put it back on him.