Well, that didn't take long to get behind... such is life, I guess! I will be posting the two verses I selected for February - even if it is a litle late.
The first passage is from James. I was having a particularly frustrating day in parenting, when I realized that I hadn't been praying (duh!) and was directed to the Word. As I was praying and reading the book of James, not only did I feel peace that had been eluding me, but I also felt assurance that these trials of parenting are producing for me a harvest of righteousness that I have the opportunity to impart to my children. Ironically, or maybe that is just how God intended it...my complete exhaustion and inability to 'fix it', leads me to the the lap of Jesus. There I find the strength I need and the comfort I need to in turn give to my children the patience and grace that they need.
From the English Standard Version:
" Know this, my beloved brothers, let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires." James 1:19-20
I pray that this is true of me not only in parenting, but in all of my relationships. I want to be the one who hears others, which requires patience and intent to listen. I also want to have a temper that in line with the spirit. I don't want to yell, speak harshly, or be rude to others simply because I am not in a good mood or things did not go my way - those behaviors do not produce the 'righteousness that God requires.'
The second verse I selected is from Psalm 91. I taught a lesson about God's protection from this passage to my girls in Sunday School and I loved the imagery from one of the verses.
" He will cover you with his feathers. He will shelter you with his wings. His faithful promises are your armor and protection." Psalm 91:4 New Living Translation (NLT)
I love this picture of God covering me with his mighty wings as I arm myself with promises of his faithfulness. That is truly God's protection. It is not the absence of danger or risk, it is not the removal of pain or suffering, it is not the promise that those things will not come... it is the promise, the assurance, that when it does come - He will be there and even in the midst of it, His feathers will cover me and his faithfulness will remain. So often we focus our prayers on the prevention of pain or illness or the alleviation of existing pain or suffering, when God's protection does not exempt us from these realities, but offers us hope and peace in the midst of them. It is the assurance that He will be enough.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Verse 2
Time for Verse 2 of the scripture memory challenge. The goal is to memorize two verses per month so at the end of 2015 we will have memorized 24 verses. I came across this verse during some reading last week and knew it was one I needed written on my heart.
" O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly, my soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 - English Standard Version
This verse is vital to true soul satisfaction. I have found/created 'God substitutes' at various points in my life, not intentionally, just through exaulting and relying on my husband, friends, or family to make me happy, to understand me, to support me. None of those things are inherently bad, but when I quit looking to God to meet my needs and instead placed that burden on other people, I found that ultimately, each one left me disappointed, hurt and frustrated. Why? Because they could never love me enough, understand me enough, encourage/support me enough - I always felt some twinge of human disappointment.
Was this their failure or lack of caring? No, it is a reflection of the deep desire in our souls, created by the Creator, to be fully known and fully loved... and yet, we are surrounded by imperfect beings that are not capable of that kind of perfection. I am not capable of perfect love - I can be short tempered, forgetful, self-centered, busy. But, there is One who loves perfectly, who will never disappoint, never turn away, who knows and understands us more fundamentally than we know ourselves; that is our Heavenly Father and none was meant to ever replace Him.
So, this is my reminder to press into the one who satisfies fully and not place that burden on other relationships that were not intended to fill me up. This is where we find fulfillment and lasting satisfaction. It also frees us up to appreciate and enjoy our human relationships with friends and family without unrealistic expectations that they will meet our every need and make us happy all the time, because that is just not reality. When I'm feeling disatisfied, disconnected, or easily frustrated with others, that is usually my cue that I'm looking in the wrong places and I need to quit trying to find water in the desert and instead go to the spring.
What verse is on your heart? Share your memory verse in the comments below!
" O God, You are my God; I shall seek you earnestly, my soul thirsts for you, my flesh yearns for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water." Psalm 63:1 - English Standard Version
This verse is vital to true soul satisfaction. I have found/created 'God substitutes' at various points in my life, not intentionally, just through exaulting and relying on my husband, friends, or family to make me happy, to understand me, to support me. None of those things are inherently bad, but when I quit looking to God to meet my needs and instead placed that burden on other people, I found that ultimately, each one left me disappointed, hurt and frustrated. Why? Because they could never love me enough, understand me enough, encourage/support me enough - I always felt some twinge of human disappointment.
Was this their failure or lack of caring? No, it is a reflection of the deep desire in our souls, created by the Creator, to be fully known and fully loved... and yet, we are surrounded by imperfect beings that are not capable of that kind of perfection. I am not capable of perfect love - I can be short tempered, forgetful, self-centered, busy. But, there is One who loves perfectly, who will never disappoint, never turn away, who knows and understands us more fundamentally than we know ourselves; that is our Heavenly Father and none was meant to ever replace Him.
So, this is my reminder to press into the one who satisfies fully and not place that burden on other relationships that were not intended to fill me up. This is where we find fulfillment and lasting satisfaction. It also frees us up to appreciate and enjoy our human relationships with friends and family without unrealistic expectations that they will meet our every need and make us happy all the time, because that is just not reality. When I'm feeling disatisfied, disconnected, or easily frustrated with others, that is usually my cue that I'm looking in the wrong places and I need to quit trying to find water in the desert and instead go to the spring.
What verse is on your heart? Share your memory verse in the comments below!
Monday, January 5, 2015
Verse 1
This year I am participating in Beth Moore's Scripture Memory Challenge and inviting my favorite 7th and 8th graders to join me in memorizing two scripture passage each month. I am going to post on here at the beginning and middle of each month the verses I will be memorizing and why. Those joining me in the challenge are welcome to leave a comment sharing the verse you will be memorizing as well. You can choose the same verse or a different verse that is meaningful to you. Sharing with each other is not only a way to help hold each other accountable, but is also encouraging to see what Scripture is meaningful to our Sisters in Christ.
So, verse 1. It is actually 2 verses, but you can choose to just do the first one if you want to use this passage as well. I am using the English Standard Version, but feel free to use whatever version you have or like best.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
I am also keeping a small journal where I m writing my verses down. I think something about physically writing out the scripture passages helps with the memorization. So, I encourage you girls to write down your verses and keep your journal with you to help with memorizing. FYI, I will be bringing journals to church next Sunday for each of you =)
So, why did I choose this passage? Well, I frequently need to be reminded that it is not my own ability or awesomeness that makes anything good happen, it is by the grace of God. Even more, no matter what I am facing, His grace is enough.... especially when I feel like I am at the end of myself and I can't do anything else... great! That is exactly where He will meet me if I will turn to Him, embrace my own weakness, and say 'Help!' I chose to include verse 10, because it talks specifically about embracing weakness and hardship - things our human nature rejects. I know from experience though that when facing hardship and calamity, fighting it makes it worse, embracing and allowing brokenness is where growth begins. Praying for my girls, that you will join me on this journey and we will get the privilege of encouraging one another and growing together! So, what verse are you choosing? Let me know in the comments!
So, verse 1. It is actually 2 verses, but you can choose to just do the first one if you want to use this passage as well. I am using the English Standard Version, but feel free to use whatever version you have or like best.
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. (10) For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10.
I am also keeping a small journal where I m writing my verses down. I think something about physically writing out the scripture passages helps with the memorization. So, I encourage you girls to write down your verses and keep your journal with you to help with memorizing. FYI, I will be bringing journals to church next Sunday for each of you =)
So, why did I choose this passage? Well, I frequently need to be reminded that it is not my own ability or awesomeness that makes anything good happen, it is by the grace of God. Even more, no matter what I am facing, His grace is enough.... especially when I feel like I am at the end of myself and I can't do anything else... great! That is exactly where He will meet me if I will turn to Him, embrace my own weakness, and say 'Help!' I chose to include verse 10, because it talks specifically about embracing weakness and hardship - things our human nature rejects. I know from experience though that when facing hardship and calamity, fighting it makes it worse, embracing and allowing brokenness is where growth begins. Praying for my girls, that you will join me on this journey and we will get the privilege of encouraging one another and growing together! So, what verse are you choosing? Let me know in the comments!
New Year
Wow... it has been a while. 2014 was a significant year in our household. The year began in the wake of significant heartbreak following the loss of our sweet Ethan. That loss really opened up something in my heart that freed me to quit trying to hold it together or work hard enough to earn God's favor. It was simultaneously painfully difficult and wonderfully freeing to come to a point of real brokenness, allow myself to feel hurt, anger, disappointment, and deep grief.
In His mercy, God did not leave me there. He showed himself to be ever-present and no matter how I came to Him - angry, defeated, hopeless - He did not withdraw His hand and continued pour out kindness. In the Spring, shortly before Jeff's birthday, we found out that we were pregnant again. I remember feeling immediately terrified and not very joyful. Through each doctor's appointment and ultrasound, God carried me, despite the terror and the uncertainty - He was faithful. I was consistently reminded that no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was - I would be okay. That is a benefit to facing your worst fears and coming out on the other side ... there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore.
On November, 18, 2014 at 11:58 AM after just a few hours of labor, we welcomed our daughter, Lydia Grace Priour to the world. She is perfect. She has a ton of hair, a beautiful smile, a sweet and easy going nature. She is all we prayed for and hoped could be ours.
While this is certainly what we prayed for and we were overjoyed to bring our daughter home, it doesn't re-write our story. There is a Lydia because there is not an Ethan, there was an Ethan because there was not a baby conceived before him. There has been significant loss that will always be a part of our family. I couldn't have chosen this path and having a healthy baby right now does not erase the pain of the years prior. However, having been through that pain I learned things about myself and my family that I can't imagine we would have learned otherwise. I am certain now that God will be enough ... no matter what. When Lydia won't go to sleep, when she screams at me and I don't know why, when being Mommy is hard, it is much easier to choose gratefulness and patience. I am grateful for our family, and I am also grateful for the journey to this point - even the painful, terrible parts. It has shaped each of us - Jeff, Haydn, myself. I don't pretend to understand why for some the journey to grow a family is difficult and painful and for others it is seemingly effortless, but I do know that no matter what your story is - God wants to use it, if you will let Him. I am excited about 2015 and the new adventures God has in store for us. One day at a time, that is all we have been given and what is entrusted to us... one day. Live it fully, whether rejoicing, grieving, or waiting, God has a purpose for this day.
In His mercy, God did not leave me there. He showed himself to be ever-present and no matter how I came to Him - angry, defeated, hopeless - He did not withdraw His hand and continued pour out kindness. In the Spring, shortly before Jeff's birthday, we found out that we were pregnant again. I remember feeling immediately terrified and not very joyful. Through each doctor's appointment and ultrasound, God carried me, despite the terror and the uncertainty - He was faithful. I was consistently reminded that no matter what the outcome of this pregnancy was - I would be okay. That is a benefit to facing your worst fears and coming out on the other side ... there isn't anything to be afraid of anymore.
On November, 18, 2014 at 11:58 AM after just a few hours of labor, we welcomed our daughter, Lydia Grace Priour to the world. She is perfect. She has a ton of hair, a beautiful smile, a sweet and easy going nature. She is all we prayed for and hoped could be ours.
 | ||||||
| Our first meeting |
Tuesday, July 22, 2014
Goodness
It has been a while - there is much to say, not all of which I'm ready to say here. I did want to take a few minutes though and talk about goodness. It has been a difficult two years, two years ago we began the journey to grow our family and never could have foreseen the grief and trauma we would experience in going through multiple miscarriages. This is not the story I would have written for my family - but I can say that it is still a love story, still a tale of passion, hope and goodness.
I remember very clearly feeling like I would never be able to look at these losses and call it "good", never be able to accept that this lot was God's goodness towards me. Just recently I've found myself realizing that all along I've been wading through the goodness - whether it was pain that ripped me open, despair that felt crushing, hope that began to bloom, or joy that came in the morning - it was all goodness.
Right now, life is good. But part of what makes it so good is that I can experience it as good, because I have walked down roads that did not feel good. I think a massive blessing that has come from all the grief is that my heart has been turned towards gratefulness and recognizing the million tiny mercies that sustain us each day. So, today I am grateful and life is good. It isn't the goodness of the moment right now that motivates my gratefulness. Even if darkness were to surround me once again, I know that there would still be goodness.
But, right now, while there is light and life feels good - I am grateful, I rejoice, I enjoy and drink deep the blessings of God. And tomorrow - if the darkness returns - I will do the same because God's goodness will not be removed.
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is in the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds." Jeremiah 17: 7-10
I feel like I have lived this in a way that has unfolded my heart to become like the tree planted by the water. Goodness doesn't always feel good, but the heart is deceitful and feelings can lead us to grow cold towards the difficult Goodness of God. I'm grateful that in my pain, in my 'sickness' God guided my roots towards the water. I didn't make things 'good' - it has been the glorious and merciful work of God through difficult times. So, even when the heat comes, when the drought lingers, by His grace I will not be anxious or fearful because I know that there will still be fruit. That is Goodness.
I remember very clearly feeling like I would never be able to look at these losses and call it "good", never be able to accept that this lot was God's goodness towards me. Just recently I've found myself realizing that all along I've been wading through the goodness - whether it was pain that ripped me open, despair that felt crushing, hope that began to bloom, or joy that came in the morning - it was all goodness.
Right now, life is good. But part of what makes it so good is that I can experience it as good, because I have walked down roads that did not feel good. I think a massive blessing that has come from all the grief is that my heart has been turned towards gratefulness and recognizing the million tiny mercies that sustain us each day. So, today I am grateful and life is good. It isn't the goodness of the moment right now that motivates my gratefulness. Even if darkness were to surround me once again, I know that there would still be goodness.
But, right now, while there is light and life feels good - I am grateful, I rejoice, I enjoy and drink deep the blessings of God. And tomorrow - if the darkness returns - I will do the same because God's goodness will not be removed.
"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is in the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; But its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. The heart is more deceitful than all else and desperately sick; who can understand it? I, the LORD, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give to each man according to his ways, according to the results of his deeds." Jeremiah 17: 7-10
I feel like I have lived this in a way that has unfolded my heart to become like the tree planted by the water. Goodness doesn't always feel good, but the heart is deceitful and feelings can lead us to grow cold towards the difficult Goodness of God. I'm grateful that in my pain, in my 'sickness' God guided my roots towards the water. I didn't make things 'good' - it has been the glorious and merciful work of God through difficult times. So, even when the heat comes, when the drought lingers, by His grace I will not be anxious or fearful because I know that there will still be fruit. That is Goodness.
Friday, March 7, 2014
Better
I am not okay. As much as I try to be, appear to be, sometimes want to be - I am not. I am still a person in pain, a broken vessel pouring out tears and shattered with grief. I don't want to feel that kind of pain, it hurts - like hell. I want to be a 'strong' person, someone that I imagine doesn't cry or fall apart after a bad day. But, that kind of person also seems rather unfeeling and cold.
I have felt 'better', have spoken about my peace, my hope, my joy and it is true, but I fear that I may have deceived myself, at least in part. Because the truth is, counting blessings, finding joy, being grateful is real and it matters, but so is the pain, the loss, the grief and it also matters. Four months have not erased it, counting blessings does not take it away.
No one really wants to see it, there is no nice place to put it where it can be admired, and there is no cure that will fix the terrible wrong. So, I carry on, I move forward, I live - and some days it is really good, really, truly good. And some days, it is bad...grief so close to the surface I can't understand how everyone else can ignore it.
In spite of peace that is real, there exists sorrow that is also real. As someone in the business of evaluating and caring for the mental health of others - I get it, we want others to feel better. But, I would argue that 'better' doesn't mean the wound heals, there is not a scar, and that on occassion it doesn't rip open fresh with pain.
Ethan has been gone now for almost as long as he was with me - but just because I didn't hold him doesn't mean I mourn him less. Maybe this IS 'better', that I have a bad day that feels bad and is called bad. Tomorrow is another day and by God's grace, good or bad, He will be enough. Maybe better is being brave enough to face the pain and feel it with each tear, rather than distract, escape, or disguise it. Maybe better isn't always better...
Could it be that being real with our hearts, whether in joy or pain, even when it hurts, is better than being 'okay' all the time? I don't have a desire to be just 'okay', I don't need for my life to be better, to feel better, but it seems too few are willing to tread onto that ground. To sit in the pain, not to fix, cure, brighten, or explain, but just to let it be okay that everything is not okay.
I have felt 'better', have spoken about my peace, my hope, my joy and it is true, but I fear that I may have deceived myself, at least in part. Because the truth is, counting blessings, finding joy, being grateful is real and it matters, but so is the pain, the loss, the grief and it also matters. Four months have not erased it, counting blessings does not take it away.
No one really wants to see it, there is no nice place to put it where it can be admired, and there is no cure that will fix the terrible wrong. So, I carry on, I move forward, I live - and some days it is really good, really, truly good. And some days, it is bad...grief so close to the surface I can't understand how everyone else can ignore it.
In spite of peace that is real, there exists sorrow that is also real. As someone in the business of evaluating and caring for the mental health of others - I get it, we want others to feel better. But, I would argue that 'better' doesn't mean the wound heals, there is not a scar, and that on occassion it doesn't rip open fresh with pain.
Ethan has been gone now for almost as long as he was with me - but just because I didn't hold him doesn't mean I mourn him less. Maybe this IS 'better', that I have a bad day that feels bad and is called bad. Tomorrow is another day and by God's grace, good or bad, He will be enough. Maybe better is being brave enough to face the pain and feel it with each tear, rather than distract, escape, or disguise it. Maybe better isn't always better...
Could it be that being real with our hearts, whether in joy or pain, even when it hurts, is better than being 'okay' all the time? I don't have a desire to be just 'okay', I don't need for my life to be better, to feel better, but it seems too few are willing to tread onto that ground. To sit in the pain, not to fix, cure, brighten, or explain, but just to let it be okay that everything is not okay.
Saturday, February 22, 2014
Helping young children deal with grief
This post is primarily about children ages 3-6 - while many of the tips would work well with older children, this age range is the developmental level I am focusing on.
Dealing with my own grief through our losses has been one thing, helping my 4 year old navigate the tangled ball of emotion that is grief was something entirely different. Even as a Master's level Psychologist trained in working with children, this process has been difficult and up until recently left me wondering if I made the right choices. When we decided to tell H about the baby at 14 weeks, we never imagined that something terrible would happen again and in the wake of our grief I found myself wondering if I had made the wrong decision.
It has been recent that I have seen the fruit of this process in H's life and feel confident that the lasting impression he will have from this time in his life is a positive one. So, how can parents, therapists, counselors help young children navigate this road of grief? Well, each child is different and will respond differently to trauma, but here are some general things that have been helpful for us.
- Be as honest as you can with the child about the event. Use language that is accurate but appropriate. Don't use euphemisms, like "he's sleeping" or "he went to a better place" to describe death. Children at this age are extremely literal and these kinds of explanations will only make them more confused about what happened.
- If you talk about heaven, be careful about saying things like, "God needed another angel" or "God loved him so much he needed him in heaven." These kinds of phrases may make young children feel scared of God or going to heaven or afraid that God may "take" them away too.
- Expect some period of regression in some area. Whether it is behavior, toileting, sleeping, there is likely going to be some previously mastered skill that appears to regress. Children may become more clingy, need more reassurance, or be more emotional. For us, H had a lot more trouble going to sleep and expressed many more fears about things he hadn't previously been afraid of. We are approaching four months later and things still aren't back to "normal" in this area, but we're working on embracing the new normal.
- If the loss is of a child they never met, like ours, it was more confusing for H to process the loss of someone he never knew. In the days following he wanted to pretend there was a baby and even recently continues to play out death with toys and pretend I have a baby. This is actually really normal for kids this age as they process things primarily through play. The themes and words may be disturbing to you, but for the child this is their way of working out grief and trying to understand the permanence of death.
- Giving the child a concrete way to honor a loved one or remember the loss helps them give expression to their feelings in a way that is appropriate for their age. For us, we put together a mosaic stepping stone together and talked about how this would help us remember our baby because we were never going to see him on Earth again.
- Leave it to kids to ask the hardest questions - and they will. "Why did our baby have to die?", "Am I going to die?", "Why can't you have a baby in your tummy again?", and the list goes on. There is no perfect answer to these questions, but it is important to address them and keep answering them to the best of your ability as they will likely be asked over and over again. This is a normal process for kids and is kind of like their way of checking in with you.
- Some kids want to talk about the loss immediately and frequently, other kids will hardly mention it and will not bring it up. For H, he wanted to tell everyone important to him about it and in the weeks following would tell teachers, family, friends about what happened. He asked a lot of questions of me and was immediately concerned that Mommy and Daddy felt better and weren't sad anymore. I want him to feel like it is okay to talk about, so I let him talk about it whenever he wants to for as long as he wants, but I don't press it or ask him about it if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it.
- That being said, don't hide your feelings. It is okay for your kids to see you cry, to know that you are not okay. It is important to use your own judgement with this, but children, even young children are very intuitive and will know that you are not okay. H did not like to see me cry, but I assured him each time that I was going to feel happy again, but at that moment was still very sad. Naming our feelings for our kids will help them recognize those feelings in themselves and give them words to use to communicate them later.
- When we gave the baby a name (we didn't know the sex at the time of the loss) and told H it was a boy, it seemed to help him personify the baby. He wanted to know what he looked like and talks about him by name (or nickname... he says he wants to call him "Michelangelo").
- Talk with your child about your healing. I have done this sporadically, but when I find myself feeling joyful, hopeful, or at peace - I tell him and acknowledge how God gives us good things and we have so many things to be grateful for. This not only models habits that I want in my own heart, but assures our children that God really does bring healing.
I don't know that we have navigated this road perfectly and it has been painful to see my child grieve, but we have had conversations this week that have made my heart smile. We talked about fear and what it really means for Jesus to keep us safe. We talked about how loving God and following Jesus doesn't mean bad things won't happen to us; how God can bring us joy even when bad things happen... And he gets it! I'm not sure H would really be able to know and understand these things without walking this road with us and going through his own grief. I hope this is helpful - I found myself kind of at a loss wondering how to navigate this with young children.
Dealing with my own grief through our losses has been one thing, helping my 4 year old navigate the tangled ball of emotion that is grief was something entirely different. Even as a Master's level Psychologist trained in working with children, this process has been difficult and up until recently left me wondering if I made the right choices. When we decided to tell H about the baby at 14 weeks, we never imagined that something terrible would happen again and in the wake of our grief I found myself wondering if I had made the wrong decision.
It has been recent that I have seen the fruit of this process in H's life and feel confident that the lasting impression he will have from this time in his life is a positive one. So, how can parents, therapists, counselors help young children navigate this road of grief? Well, each child is different and will respond differently to trauma, but here are some general things that have been helpful for us.
- Be as honest as you can with the child about the event. Use language that is accurate but appropriate. Don't use euphemisms, like "he's sleeping" or "he went to a better place" to describe death. Children at this age are extremely literal and these kinds of explanations will only make them more confused about what happened.
- If you talk about heaven, be careful about saying things like, "God needed another angel" or "God loved him so much he needed him in heaven." These kinds of phrases may make young children feel scared of God or going to heaven or afraid that God may "take" them away too.
- Expect some period of regression in some area. Whether it is behavior, toileting, sleeping, there is likely going to be some previously mastered skill that appears to regress. Children may become more clingy, need more reassurance, or be more emotional. For us, H had a lot more trouble going to sleep and expressed many more fears about things he hadn't previously been afraid of. We are approaching four months later and things still aren't back to "normal" in this area, but we're working on embracing the new normal.
- If the loss is of a child they never met, like ours, it was more confusing for H to process the loss of someone he never knew. In the days following he wanted to pretend there was a baby and even recently continues to play out death with toys and pretend I have a baby. This is actually really normal for kids this age as they process things primarily through play. The themes and words may be disturbing to you, but for the child this is their way of working out grief and trying to understand the permanence of death.
- Giving the child a concrete way to honor a loved one or remember the loss helps them give expression to their feelings in a way that is appropriate for their age. For us, we put together a mosaic stepping stone together and talked about how this would help us remember our baby because we were never going to see him on Earth again.
- Leave it to kids to ask the hardest questions - and they will. "Why did our baby have to die?", "Am I going to die?", "Why can't you have a baby in your tummy again?", and the list goes on. There is no perfect answer to these questions, but it is important to address them and keep answering them to the best of your ability as they will likely be asked over and over again. This is a normal process for kids and is kind of like their way of checking in with you.
- Some kids want to talk about the loss immediately and frequently, other kids will hardly mention it and will not bring it up. For H, he wanted to tell everyone important to him about it and in the weeks following would tell teachers, family, friends about what happened. He asked a lot of questions of me and was immediately concerned that Mommy and Daddy felt better and weren't sad anymore. I want him to feel like it is okay to talk about, so I let him talk about it whenever he wants to for as long as he wants, but I don't press it or ask him about it if he doesn't seem to want to talk about it.
- That being said, don't hide your feelings. It is okay for your kids to see you cry, to know that you are not okay. It is important to use your own judgement with this, but children, even young children are very intuitive and will know that you are not okay. H did not like to see me cry, but I assured him each time that I was going to feel happy again, but at that moment was still very sad. Naming our feelings for our kids will help them recognize those feelings in themselves and give them words to use to communicate them later.
- When we gave the baby a name (we didn't know the sex at the time of the loss) and told H it was a boy, it seemed to help him personify the baby. He wanted to know what he looked like and talks about him by name (or nickname... he says he wants to call him "Michelangelo").
- Talk with your child about your healing. I have done this sporadically, but when I find myself feeling joyful, hopeful, or at peace - I tell him and acknowledge how God gives us good things and we have so many things to be grateful for. This not only models habits that I want in my own heart, but assures our children that God really does bring healing.
I don't know that we have navigated this road perfectly and it has been painful to see my child grieve, but we have had conversations this week that have made my heart smile. We talked about fear and what it really means for Jesus to keep us safe. We talked about how loving God and following Jesus doesn't mean bad things won't happen to us; how God can bring us joy even when bad things happen... And he gets it! I'm not sure H would really be able to know and understand these things without walking this road with us and going through his own grief. I hope this is helpful - I found myself kind of at a loss wondering how to navigate this with young children.
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